You've been so unavailable

Now sadly I know why

Your heart is unobtainable

Even though Lord knows you kept mine

Redeemer, My Healer,Lord Almighty

My Savior, Defender, You are My King

Happy Holy Sunday! 

God is alive and the Holy Spirit is all around us today. Have a blessed day and a blessed week! Amen. 

God has given me the strength to deal with the emotional and mental battles I have experienced these last few weeks. What am amazing God.  

I thought I would return to this blog on a daily basis to vent and to sort out my emotions, but I didn't. The emotional and mental baggage I was carrying was lifted, it was taken care of by my faith in Jesus.  

God never gives someone more than they can handle, he has dealt me the hand of cards I've been given to make me into the person I am meant to be and the person I am becoming. He truly is here to take our pain and broken pieces and use them to make us into the beautiful pieces of work we are. All it takes is our asking, it takes our giving, and our praise.

  Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in YOUR embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

It's been easy. I haven't been sad. I still don't think it's hit me. If I talk about it I get sad though. 

Today is hard. I keep having flashbacks to when I said goodbye, like Anthony wiping my tears. It's making me so sad.

I'm sad, but I still haven't realized that he's gone. 

Yesterday was easy. 

Today has been okay. 

I don't really know how I feel or how to feel.

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is relief or if it just hasn't hit me yet.

I feel pretty shitty that I'm not "upset". I was expecting to be a mess. 

Yesterday, I said goodbye to Anthony. It wasn't a great goodbye. I wanted a goodbye that would mean the world to both of us, a goodbye that we could be proud of, instead we fought. 

He accused me of trying to blackmail him. You're probably wondering how, well I asked him if he pulled out during sex and he doesn't. He told me I was trying to get pregnant to trap him.

How terrible of a feeling. The person I love thinks I would do something so cruel as to trick him into staying with me. 

I already know he doesn't want me so how pathetic would I be?

I feel okay now. I was really sad yesterday. It was so hard saying bye, but after how the day turned out I ended up feeling okay. 

I feel almost relieved. I can start my life now.