They say that time will heal all wounds- so far its been six months and my wound is still open. My heart is still broken and I am still terribly sad. Too much time and too much distance has proved to be detrimental in this case. I thought giving time and space would be beneficial, YET it hasn't. It's been terrible. It's damaged us. Too much time has caused me to lose my chance at you, at love, at being with you... I have to live with that.

not that it matters to anyone, IM BACK. where would i begin? OH anthony called me to tell me he has started talking to a new girl. yes, i understand we have been broken up for about five months, but it hasnt been a clean break. it's been hey lets hang out or oh i miss you. my heart is broken... that is really it. broken heart means a lot of posts.

I have loved you for one thousand years, I will love you for one thousand more.

For ONE moment I need nothing more but to vent...

If I go back into this blog I'm sure I can find some evidence of the hurt Justin once caused. For FOUR years I waited for Justin to be the person I wanted him to be- the person I expected he would be, that person never arrived. All hope was lost when I gave him the benefit of the doubt ONLY for him to let me down once again. In his personality I can now only find faults. He sits there today expecting a baby, taking the next step in his life, and getting his own apartment. Every one of these actions is "knife meets heart". BUT not in the sense you are thinking, its knife meets heart because its the life i want, well wanted. All of the things hes accomplishing right now is everything I wanted. Everything I want. This time last year I was preparing to make the biggest decision of my life and I still question if it was the right one. The abortion affected me in so many ways. I was completely fine the days even weeks after, but today I can admit when the reality hit it hit hard. I'm so jealous that he's in this stage of his life and I'm at a stand still- I'm nowhere, at least compared to him. I would love to have a baby, a career, my own place, a ring on my left finger. Someone who actually loves me. I know I'm young and I shouldn't plan all of this, but I have planned it. I have expected it. Well okay, I Hoped for it. HOPE is the better word. Justin having a baby is THE most cruel UNFAIR thing I have ever had to witness. He gets a baby, I killed mine. He's happy. I'm miserable. He'll get married. I'll stay alone. I wonder what could have came from our relationship, awkward because after I experienced my love with A I know everything with Justin was nothing. Everything he's going through is everything I want and wanted with A. everything I hoped would come of us. Here's to wishful thinking. Here's to my next beer.

It was not your fault, but mine...

I wish I could begin to explain how I feel. At this point it not only seems pointless but impossible as well. It is not only apparent that I miss you its quite obvious. At this point in time there isn't much to do; I suppose there is much to say but I'm going to assume that going that route would not only be foolish, but pointless. Your reaction and response scare me. Okay, that's being modest, they terrify me. Our relationship is slowly fading I can't remember what it feels like to hold your hand. God, what I would do to hold your hand one last time. It saddens me that this is what it has all came down to. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Our love now seems non-existent. Like our love was just a mere dream an illusion at best. AND maybe it was. Love isn't supposed to go away and die, right? I always thought that once it was there it was there. But I can tell that it isn't like that and that was just a part of this dream I had. I know I deserve more than this pain, than this feeling of loss, than this feeling of wanting someone who doesn't want me. Because if I'm being frank and I'll be, I want you so bad. Not want you in a way of intimacy but in the most innocent way of wanting someone. I just want to feel the weight of someone laying next to me. Hear the breathe of someone sleeping next to me. I want to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and look at you next to me and just smile. I want you in the most innocent definition of the phrase. But any opportunity for that is gone. Every attempt is either a failure or a let down. I'm sorry for that. I know you tried. But you were right all along. Hanging out is a bad idea. I don't think my heart can handle it. I don't think your heart can handle it. I know I can't handle it. God. What I would give to just hear you say "I miss you". I'm always spilling out my heart. Always. Sorry for all of the wrong I have done. I hope your sorry. I feel that being with me has made you lose all opportunity at living through your twenties. Maybe I robbed you of that and this is your chance of getting it back. I watch other 22 year olds and they're sleeping around, getting drunk, and having fun; maybe the commitment I want is too much for you. Too intense. I've died a thousand times inside. Know this. Believe this. I wish for you every day. every night/

BUT remind me of why we're through

I wonder if you remember me like I remember you And I don't know if this means anything to you But I can't stop thinking of you I know that I said I was over you, But remind me of why why why we're through AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU but, I can't stop thinking of you...

I'm a firm believer in love, soul mates, and faith. Slowly I find myself losing all hope. Love seems to be a lie. Soul mates don't exist. and faith is slipping from my life. Love will tell us where to go is a lie. Love will only destroy us all; little by little. It'll only cause us to lose our way, our mind, and our sanity. We want to be in love so anything our lover tells us is the truth. Love turns into defending yourself and your relationship. It destroys you. Everything you are and stand for. Love will tell me where to go. Love has told me to hide and never come out.