I have loved you for one thousand years, I will love you for one thousand more.

For ONE moment I need nothing more but to vent...

If I go back into this blog I'm sure I can find some evidence of the hurt Justin once caused. For FOUR years I waited for Justin to be the person I wanted him to be- the person I expected he would be, that person never arrived. All hope was lost when I gave him the benefit of the doubt ONLY for him to let me down once again. In his personality I can now only find faults. He sits there today expecting a baby, taking the next step in his life, and getting his own apartment. Every one of these actions is "knife meets heart". BUT not in the sense you are thinking, its knife meets heart because its the life i want, well wanted. All of the things hes accomplishing right now is everything I wanted. Everything I want. This time last year I was preparing to make the biggest decision of my life and I still question if it was the right one. The abortion affected me in so many ways. I was completely fine the days even weeks after, but today I can admit when the reality hit it hit hard. I'm so jealous that he's in this stage of his life and I'm at a stand still- I'm nowhere, at least compared to him. I would love to have a baby, a career, my own place, a ring on my left finger. Someone who actually loves me. I know I'm young and I shouldn't plan all of this, but I have planned it. I have expected it. Well okay, I Hoped for it. HOPE is the better word. Justin having a baby is THE most cruel UNFAIR thing I have ever had to witness. He gets a baby, I killed mine. He's happy. I'm miserable. He'll get married. I'll stay alone. I wonder what could have came from our relationship, awkward because after I experienced my love with A I know everything with Justin was nothing. Everything he's going through is everything I want and wanted with A. everything I hoped would come of us. Here's to wishful thinking. Here's to my next beer.