Cause I'd die if I saw you I'd die if i didn't see you there

Written on these walls are the colours that I can’t change, leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage...the way that I been holdin’ on so tight, with nothing in between...but baby running after you is like chasing the clouds

I always thought I never had to have a deep concern about my relationship. I always knew that I loved him and he loved me. Things have changed throughout these past few months. Love is just another word for lie. And lie is just another way to say "I'm taking advantage of your feelings". I never thought I would fully lose Anthony, I never wanted to. I have held on so long and I never wanted to walk away, but now I'm being pushed to. 

A drop in the ocean...

I'm praying that you and I might end up together. But, it's like wishing for rain as I stand in a desert.

Slept with Anthony, again.

Fucking mistake of my life.

His birthday is Friday. I hope I'm nowhere around. I know it's going to be a tough one. Pre birthday sex? Wrong I am. Can't justify it by this. 

It was honestly supposed to be just to talk. 

He answered his phone at 11...California calls. I'm so beyond foolish.

Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't
Here in the dark
These final hours
I will lay down my heart
I feel the power but you don't
Cause I can't make you love me, If you don't.

I close my eyes
I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me til then to give up this fight

I'll give up this fight.

When everything's meant to be broken...

What a crazy past few months, weeks, DAYS. 

I'm a loss for words for the betrayal I have been exposed to. Anthony has been actively dating Courtney. Courtney has been punishing me and treating me terribly- words can not express how terrible. I've heard the truth from people I never would expect to know anything. Ryan and Danny actively have been lying to my face about what they know, which I understand, but why keep telling me to fight for it?

I keep telling myself to not forgive anyone, but by nature I am so incredibly forgiving and I feel myself already saying "oh it's okay."

Why do we fall in love so easy? 

Even when it's not right.

Letter from a broken individual

I hate that I always and forever bother people with this. My heart is beyond broken. My hopes and faith in love and destiny are diminished. I've always believed that what is meant to be will be and I always felt that myself and Anthony were a picture perfect illustration of that, an illustration of when it works it works and when it doesn't it can still work. Not that I deserve to be a "booty call", no one does, but that day I kind of didn't mind. I don't know if it was my mind saying "anyway I can have him, I have him", "sleep with him it'll bring him back to you" or "just do it it's been a while." It was something. My heart was just so happy to be laying with him again and simply being with him. Love in that sense sucks. That butterfly feeling sucks, the moment my heart skips a beat when he messages me or I see him it sucks. I can only hope that one day everyone finds that person to give them that feeling, I can only pray that one day I find someone who gives me that feeling all over again. But, like "our" story goes, a lie comes out. Which is how lies work, the truth always will come out, its just a matter of time. I think I told you about the story of him dating my manager, he denied it as did she, the two of them are disgusting liars. He's seeing her. Luckily, she leaves this week or next for California for a new job within the company. I am so beyond disgusted. Disappointed. I don't know how to explain it, really. I never expected for this truth to come out. I just can't wrap my mind or thoughts around the fact that this has happened to me. I know no one deserves this, but what have I done to him or to life to deserve nothing but bad things to happen? Its honestly a losing game. With this I can not forgive him. I can not believe that he has done this, I hope that this can be used as a momentum to go forward. He always comes back to me, does that mean anything? I know how you feel about him, but keep in mind that I do love him and my heart is hurt and sore. -Danielle

I slept with Anthony yesterday.

I miss him so much.

When people said love was the best feeling in the world- they lied.

My heart still beats for you,

After all that we've been through.

They say that time will heal all wounds- so far its been six months and my wound is still open. My heart is still broken and I am still terribly sad. Too much time and too much distance has proved to be detrimental in this case. I thought giving time and space would be beneficial, YET it hasn't. It's been terrible. It's damaged us. Too much time has caused me to lose my chance at you, at love, at being with you... I have to live with that.

not that it matters to anyone, IM BACK. where would i begin? OH anthony called me to tell me he has started talking to a new girl. yes, i understand we have been broken up for about five months, but it hasnt been a clean break. it's been hey lets hang out or oh i miss you. my heart is broken... that is really it. broken heart means a lot of posts.

I have loved you for one thousand years, I will love you for one thousand more.

For ONE moment I need nothing more but to vent...

If I go back into this blog I'm sure I can find some evidence of the hurt Justin once caused. For FOUR years I waited for Justin to be the person I wanted him to be- the person I expected he would be, that person never arrived. All hope was lost when I gave him the benefit of the doubt ONLY for him to let me down once again. In his personality I can now only find faults. He sits there today expecting a baby, taking the next step in his life, and getting his own apartment. Every one of these actions is "knife meets heart". BUT not in the sense you are thinking, its knife meets heart because its the life i want, well wanted. All of the things hes accomplishing right now is everything I wanted. Everything I want. This time last year I was preparing to make the biggest decision of my life and I still question if it was the right one. The abortion affected me in so many ways. I was completely fine the days even weeks after, but today I can admit when the reality hit it hit hard. I'm so jealous that he's in this stage of his life and I'm at a stand still- I'm nowhere, at least compared to him. I would love to have a baby, a career, my own place, a ring on my left finger. Someone who actually loves me. I know I'm young and I shouldn't plan all of this, but I have planned it. I have expected it. Well okay, I Hoped for it. HOPE is the better word. Justin having a baby is THE most cruel UNFAIR thing I have ever had to witness. He gets a baby, I killed mine. He's happy. I'm miserable. He'll get married. I'll stay alone. I wonder what could have came from our relationship, awkward because after I experienced my love with A I know everything with Justin was nothing. Everything he's going through is everything I want and wanted with A. everything I hoped would come of us. Here's to wishful thinking. Here's to my next beer.

It was not your fault, but mine...

I wish I could begin to explain how I feel. At this point it not only seems pointless but impossible as well. It is not only apparent that I miss you its quite obvious. At this point in time there isn't much to do; I suppose there is much to say but I'm going to assume that going that route would not only be foolish, but pointless. Your reaction and response scare me. Okay, that's being modest, they terrify me. Our relationship is slowly fading I can't remember what it feels like to hold your hand. God, what I would do to hold your hand one last time. It saddens me that this is what it has all came down to. Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? Our love now seems non-existent. Like our love was just a mere dream an illusion at best. AND maybe it was. Love isn't supposed to go away and die, right? I always thought that once it was there it was there. But I can tell that it isn't like that and that was just a part of this dream I had. I know I deserve more than this pain, than this feeling of loss, than this feeling of wanting someone who doesn't want me. Because if I'm being frank and I'll be, I want you so bad. Not want you in a way of intimacy but in the most innocent way of wanting someone. I just want to feel the weight of someone laying next to me. Hear the breathe of someone sleeping next to me. I want to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and look at you next to me and just smile. I want you in the most innocent definition of the phrase. But any opportunity for that is gone. Every attempt is either a failure or a let down. I'm sorry for that. I know you tried. But you were right all along. Hanging out is a bad idea. I don't think my heart can handle it. I don't think your heart can handle it. I know I can't handle it. God. What I would give to just hear you say "I miss you". I'm always spilling out my heart. Always. Sorry for all of the wrong I have done. I hope your sorry. I feel that being with me has made you lose all opportunity at living through your twenties. Maybe I robbed you of that and this is your chance of getting it back. I watch other 22 year olds and they're sleeping around, getting drunk, and having fun; maybe the commitment I want is too much for you. Too intense. I've died a thousand times inside. Know this. Believe this. I wish for you every day. every night/

BUT remind me of why we're through

I wonder if you remember me like I remember you And I don't know if this means anything to you But I can't stop thinking of you I know that I said I was over you, But remind me of why why why we're through AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU but, I can't stop thinking of you...

I'm a firm believer in love, soul mates, and faith. Slowly I find myself losing all hope. Love seems to be a lie. Soul mates don't exist. and faith is slipping from my life. Love will tell us where to go is a lie. Love will only destroy us all; little by little. It'll only cause us to lose our way, our mind, and our sanity. We want to be in love so anything our lover tells us is the truth. Love turns into defending yourself and your relationship. It destroys you. Everything you are and stand for. Love will tell me where to go. Love has told me to hide and never come out.

I give up.

I have to. There's no other choice, but this. I can't wait for someone who will never come. My heart hurts and I'm sad. I really don't want to let go or give up on him or us, but at this point what can I do?

Breathe. Goosfraba.

Happy Birthday Danielle,

Welcome to twenty one.

Can I get just a little but excited? Please!

Swoooon

I'll keep this one to myself.
My god how my heart just smiled.

Hopes & prayers to seeing you tomorrow...

God I need this.

Danielle

Why can't you be the girl with the boy in the end?

I wish I could remember the book...

Or the quote, whichever it was, where truth was explained. Well it was truth in love. So accurate and painfully true.

Truth is scary. Love blinds that.
You're lover says its a lie and you believe it.
You're friend says its true and you believe it.

The truth might come across different to one person. Whose to say honesty isn't a game of telephone.


The truth is a lie. Trust is a lie. Love is a lie.

I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate

And if it makes you less sad I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint I will paint myself out.

It's cold as a tomb and its dark in your room when I sneak to your bed to pour salt on your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
You say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes on you can forget.
So you can forget.

You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes on you can forget.

Emotionally drained.

I'm going to handle this with complete grace.

I will not cry
I will not fight
I will not even pout...okay I'm human maybe a little pouting.

I'm hurt
I'm strong
I deserve more. BETTER.
I'm the one who decides what happens next.

I will forgive and forget.
I will clean out my life.
I will love myself more.

Confirmed.

You are a
piece of shit, no good, lying,
cheater.


Take a fucking bow!

Moving on.

I wish.
It's 6:28 AM. I just walked into my house. I'm trying to move on I promise.
This kid is really nice; he isn't you but he's nice.
I was held today like I meant something almost like I meant everything.
In a weird roundabout way I was reminded of how there are many out there.
& how much advantage you take of me.
My heart was AND IS shattered at you sleeping with this girl...how DARE you?
If this is how you eventually wanted it...I guess you have it your way.

I haven't had one of these nights in a while.

A night where I can't catch my breathe.
Where I can't stop crying.

I can't stop missing you so trying to stop loving you is next to impossible.

I wish I knew what to say to make you want me.
I wish I knew if you missed me. Loved me.

I try to leave our past behind and move on, but I can't.
I want to be with you again. Just one more day, one more night.

I can't be your friend. I want to, but my heart can not take it.

My heart hurts. My feelings hurt.
My heart is sad, I just want you to make me smile and make my heart feel warm again.

I need the butterflies. Please.

So tonight, I pray and wish and have faith in you, for you, for us. I want there to be an us, so badly.

I thought enough time has passed. I was wrong.
I thought we could be friends by now. But again, I was wrong.

It's too soon. It still hurts too much.
As much as I smile and as happy I try to act, I'm still in too much pain.

I still love you. I'm sorry, we can't be friends yet.

Every time he smiles, I let him in again.

Say it, we made it through the storm now
But I'm still on the look out.

I'm boarding up the windows
Locking up my heart
It's like every time the wind blows
I feel it tearing us apart.

I'm sad.
I miss you.
I want to talk to you.
I would love to be with you.
I want to kiss you.
Just breathe you.
Is this too much to ask?
Too much to hold in?

Round and around and around and around we go...

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay

The reason I hold on
'Cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

The Girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause.

If you were to leave, fulfill someone else's dream
I think I might totally be lost.

Stay.

I never want to lose you & if I had to I would choose you.
Please stay, always stay.

My heart would stop without you.
I love you more than I did before. Nothings changed no one can take
your place.

IM SORRY ITS THIS WAY.

Love is a guiding force. Love will lead you home or it'll bring you far from it. What a feeling. To feel lost and found at the same time. We search for this feeling our whole lives or we run from it. I've searched, I found, I lost, and now I hide. Love guided me to places I never thought I would be, places I never knew I had to courage to go.

Dear Bub,

I miss you. More than anything. I would give the world to be in your arms one more time. I pray and pray that you remember how much you once loved me. I pray that come back. I hope you come back. There are so many things I wish I had said. But it's too late.

I love you.

And I...will fix you.

When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

When you're too in love to let it go.

Sad.

I am so sad. I miss you so much.

Goodbye, my almost lover

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

End of the line.

I have to be strong this time. I need to put my foot down & say no. Stop this madness that has been my life for three years.

I don't think I'm strong enough...