I always thought I never had to have a deep concern about my relationship. I always knew that I loved him and he loved me. Things have changed throughout these past few months. Love is just another word for lie. And lie is just another way to say "I'm taking advantage of your feelings". I never thought I would fully lose Anthony, I never wanted to. I have held on so long and I never wanted to walk away, but now I'm being pushed to. 

A drop in the ocean...

I'm praying that you and I might end up together. But, it's like wishing for rain as I stand in a desert.

Slept with Anthony, again.

Fucking mistake of my life.

His birthday is Friday. I hope I'm nowhere around. I know it's going to be a tough one. Pre birthday sex? Wrong I am. Can't justify it by this. 

It was honestly supposed to be just to talk. 

He answered his phone at 11...California calls. I'm so beyond foolish.

Cause I can't make you love me
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't
Here in the dark
These final hours
I will lay down my heart
I feel the power but you don't
Cause I can't make you love me, If you don't.

I close my eyes
I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me til then to give up this fight

I'll give up this fight.

When everything's meant to be broken...

What a crazy past few months, weeks, DAYS. 

I'm a loss for words for the betrayal I have been exposed to. Anthony has been actively dating Courtney. Courtney has been punishing me and treating me terribly- words can not express how terrible. I've heard the truth from people I never would expect to know anything. Ryan and Danny actively have been lying to my face about what they know, which I understand, but why keep telling me to fight for it?

I keep telling myself to not forgive anyone, but by nature I am so incredibly forgiving and I feel myself already saying "oh it's okay."