That's when reality hit...

When every chance for 'I miss you passed', 'I love you' became non-existent.

We just laid there.
We forgot the world or at least we tried.
And our mouths failed to say what our hearts were trying to scream.

How dare you say it's nothing to me? Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

The pain just continues...

I can't seem to stop this feeling. Every time I feel I've everything going my way something knocks me back a few steps. My heart is just so sad and broken. It was once filled with love and faith but that is slowly fading away. I want my boyfriend back. I want an "I love you" or even "I miss you", that's just hoping.
It won't come. I keep thinking back to answering my phone to "I'm outside" I'm hoping for that call to come again. I'm hoping for happiness in my relationship again. I want to say I have faith it will but faith hasn't shown me much lately.

I'm in love and always will be.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on.

Arrows from your mind are making my heart bleed...

I’ll do my best to lighten your load – make you feel better than you’ve ever known
Sing you a love song nobody knows
You think you’ve tried love? I’ll give you more…

I had it all wrong, I thought that I was strong enough
I thought that I knew just what I’d do with love
Then you shattered it all, you made me fall in love again
Since you’ve been around, I can’t come down
I can’t come down… from Loving you

I love you...but I didn't say it back.

No matter anyone's opinion on this, I know I'm wrong. Who does shit like that? I love you, babe, I miss you...and my response is yeah? Oh sure. I'm wrong. I should've sat there baby I love you more than anything. I shouldn't put my pride and personal anguish aside. Now I'm the one sitting here crying. Imagine him. How he felt. He tells me I love you just for me to shoot him down. Bravo! My feelings are hurt by what I did. I can't imagine his. I know the right thing to do is apologize. So I had to. So I did. Now we wait. Maybe I'll get a response. Maybe I won't. The won't has a greater chance.

Happy 2 year anniversary.

You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone

This would've been for you...

Two years later. And you still manage to put the same smile on my face. Happy Anniversary. I love you- maybe more than you think or feel I do. In these past two years we have been through more than some people do in a lifetime. We've made it through that for a reason. So we can become better/stronger people. We got through this so as a couple we are stronger and can make it through whatever life throws at us. And I truly believe we can make it and always will. I'm grateful for our relationship and for having a friend like you. (You truly are my best friend) No one has made me more happy than you. I can only hope you feel the same towards me. I only want to make you feel happy and loved. I want you to know you always have me no matter what. This year has torn us apart and brought us back together. I lost myself and found myself. And through everything I was brought back to you. I love you. I never want those words to mean I'm sorry. I never want you to feel like your not important. Or that you don't matter. You are so important to me. This relationship will always matter to me. No matter what. I hope that next year I'll be telling you happy anniversary for a third time. I hope that we can celebrate this together, doing whatever. Laying in your arms, staring at a wall, or with friends. As long as I'm with you, it counts. A------, bub. I love you, most. Forever.

Day from hell.

It's impossible to fight back the tears. I let myself down, I let you down, I let everyone who was rooting for us down. To know I made the person I truly love, down hurts...more than anything.

2 years ago...

I expressed my happiness in a new relationship. Today I express my sadness as we are not together.
It hurts. I love him more than anything. But I guess those feelings aren't returned.

"I do care I just didn't want you sad."

What do you do when the person your in love with tells you they don't want you anymore.

I could've loved you all my life...

all this time i was wasting
hoping you would come around
i've given out chances
every time and all you do
is let me down
and its taking me this long
baby but i figured you out
and you've been thinking
we'd be fine again
but not this time around

and you can say that you're sorry,
you're not sorry.

I hate myself. I can't shake the feeling. I'm trying and I just don't know how.
I want to say I feel like I'm drowning and every time I get a breathe of air I'm pushed back under. Right now I don't know how to be happy. I can't be happy with anyone let alone myself.

Love & trust are the only two things that matter in a relationship.
-Miley Cyrus

Chili cookout with Anthony and his family today...I'm super excited. I've never been up to Bethel and I'm not usually around his family like this. I get to meet his dad...it has been two years and I've never met him- I'm nervous. I'm hoping for the best I know I'll get that.

So here's my thing.
I'm going out on a limb to forgive and I hope I'm doing so with the best judgement. Of course, I'm terrified of what is to come or what has yet to come. I just want to be able to give this a full heart shot and I keep holding myself back. Obviously love has played a huge part in this. If I didn't love h I wouldn't have forgave & forgot...well forgive but not forget. It's just hard seeing the girl everyday to be reminded of. I'm terrified of the judgement that this decision can carry. Sticks and stones, right?

Intriguing.

They fall in love, or lust. Or perhaps “love” and “lust” are the same thing, and “hatred” is just “love” spelled backwards, and “backwards” is just “forwards” spelled wrong.

I keep saying 'I'm over it' so everyone leaves me alone but, in reality I'm so far from 'over it' that 'over it' seems non existent. What can I say though, I gave him two years and my heart. I try to ignore the time and focus on the feelings. Previously he asked me why him and why do I like him, I'm just so scared to answer that question. I'm scared to be happy over what he says. He said I give him butterflies the thought of that makes me cry. The butterfly feeling is one of the best feelings a person can experience and he's getting that from me, the person who wanted to give him that feeling. Always and forever. I never thought I would build a wall around my heart for him and I feel that I built one.

I like(d) him for so many reasons. His dedication as a friend and a person is so admirable. There's this essence he has almost indescribable. That being with him makes me want to be a better person. He'll deny it but he has hope
In everything. His forgiveness and heart is so kind. He has walls he won't let down but once you get a little past those he's a person who just wants to be loved a person who has taught me to love. He got into my heart and opened it up to a feeling that I never knew existed. He's one of the best people I know. He denies his potential but I believe in it so much. I wish he could see himself the way I do.

...I love you for you.

I mean, things were always so easy between us before but this is real life. Yes, we made mistakes. We screwed up. Maybe we can be that couple that finds our way through it to something better... something we both know is worth fighting for and protecting. I... I don't have all the answers. I just... I know that I miss you.

-Mouth; One Tree Hill Season 6
You and Me and The bottle makes three.

Life is too short not to be with the person you want to be with.
-Miley Cyrus

Our diner.

Being here brings back so many memories.
Our first date came back here. Sitting and drinking hot chocolate until three in the morning.
Christmas morning. Joining us for our family breakfast.
Him alone. Coming here because it reminded him of me.
Coming here together. Known as a couple.
Coming here alone, being asked where my other half was.

God, I miss him.

Don't speak, don't breathe. You bring out the devil in me.

So don't break my heart
I ain't never done
Nothing to deserve this
And I'm torn apart
You've had your fun
Do you suppose I earned it?

You know the best thing about a paper jam?
It forces you to open up the machine and find out what went wrong in the first place.

Do you?

I'll leave you alone for good I promise
There's a question I just got to ask...

Do you ever
Think of me, anymore?

I just wonder do I ever cross your mind?

Pick me, choose me, love me.

I want to believe in it all again. Music and art, fate and love. And I want to believe that I've made the right choices and that I'm on the right path and there's still time to fix the mistakes I've made. And I guess I want hope. And I want Lucas. I wish i could change some of the things about how I've acted in the last couple months. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. You know, I told Lucas that if he loved his fiancée, then I would learn to be okay with that because I wanted him to be happy. But... really, I just wanted us to be happy -- Me and him. Oh, and then when he didn't marry her, I mean, I felt terrible for her and for him, you know? His heart is... breaking right now, and... I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part, letting go, you know? That's the part of grace that really sucks.

-Peyton Sawyer; One Tree Hill

Apologies.

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn't feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies.


It's way too late for dignity
It's time for apologies

My Bruises.

And don’t you dare talk about how much you really loved me,

You never loved me no,
And I don't need you.

yeah well maybe I hurt you sometimes,
let's contrast and compare
lift up your shirt
the wound isn't there.

... you don't want my heart to ever heal, you just keep me hanging on.

Doesn't the concept of missing someone come from how you feel, not the other person?

I don't think I can put my heart through this.

I miss Anthony terribly. Last nights conversation drained me emotionally.

If you're always looking for a reason to not be with someone you will always find reasons to not be with them.

I always checked to make sure it was there. I was never disappointed. He kept that scrunchie like it was worth everything; little did he know it meant everything to me. As long as I saw it I knew there was a place for me in his heart and in his life.
Flashback to the day it was only us working on a project together. I think it was me telling him it was a nice pony and him saying something like oh this girl gave it to me I think she likes me. To this I smiled- I'm sure ear to ear; I touched his arm at that moment and everything was just a little bit easier. Like breathing and smiling. I told him that girl did like him...that night I went back to his house and we just laid together and it was us again. The feelings were brought back- no reawakened.
I wish that scrunchie still existed. It was sort of like a life jacket. When I was drowning seeing that scrunchie brought me to the air again, it protected my heart from the worst case scenario.

I never thought I could miss holding a bear so much

Anthony messaged me yesterday...

Confused.
Awkward.
Happy!
MY secret.

Happy birthday grandpa!

I miss you more than anything. I wish I had you here to talk to & for guidance.

Maybe it's over, maybe we're through,
But I honestly can say I still love you,

Maybe we reached the mountain peak,
And there's no more left to climb,
And maybe we lost the magic piece,
And we're both too blind to find,

Let's start over,
Let's give love their wings,
Let's start over,
Stop fighting 'bout the same old thing,
Let's start over,
We can't let our good love die,
Maybe we can start over,
Give love another life.

Happy what could've been fathers day.

You always hurt the one you love,
The one you shouldn't hurt at all.
You always take the sweetest rose,
And crush it till the petals fall.
You always break the kindest heart,
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So, if I broke your heart last night,
It's because I love you most of all.

Every little thing reminds me of you. As much as I hate it I love it even more.

Anthony doesn't want to be friends. The only person who can maybe understand how I'm feeling is the person I cannot confide in. It's a bad feeling. Everyone keeps telling me to get over it and be strong, if only they could understand.

I got the butterflies for the first time in my life and I knew I would love you forever.

“It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John