You're my downfall.

All of me, loves all of you.

All your perfect imperfections.

I AM NOT OVER ANALYZING ANYTHING...I sort of promise? It was so nice to hug him again, I really do not know what I will do when he leaves. I feel like he's going to leave and then that is it. No more us, ever. I of course do not want that to be the case, I think everyone knows that if he asked me to follow him I would. Anywhere. Its two and a half months away, both of our lives will change obviously for different reasons. It is a lot sooner than it seems. He's going back to the store to work, I'm torn between that. It has the potential to be good, good for us, good for him and me as individuals, but its the story of us and the story of us comes with bad. I hope everyone can mind their business and keep to themselves. I'm in a different place than I once was. I'm not an open book like I have been for so long, so no one really has an idea on where the two of us stand. I just know everyone will try to bud in. I'm sure I'll start hearing things soon, fun. It's funny actually, we both left and we're both back. I hope he messages me today, I want another hug. I want us to be okay. I want us to stay okay. I want to put this whole "David picture thing behind us." The picture was part of a stupid plan to hurt someone who hurt me (Vanessa not Anthony, I would never put a picture with a guy online to hurt Anthony I AM ABOVE that, also I don't want to ever hurt Anthony.) I hope yesterday wasn't a booty call.

...we can work it out

see it feels bad now, but its going to get better TODAY

As long as I'm not bottled up with emotions I'm in a content place

Dear God,

Thank you for yesterday. I'm keeping my promise, D is out of my life. 

Oh yesterday, I bet you want to hear about that...

We argued, became sort of friends, had sex, he left, can back to bring me to work, and now it's up in the air.

My almost lover, I'm trying not to think of about you

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska I've been doing better lately I think and now he's on his way to my house to drop off a ring...God I pray that it is more than just to give me a ring. Come watch a movie with me, hug me, love me one more time, anything just don't leave my side after the ten seconds it will take to hand me a ring. I can't even remember what ring it is that I lost there.

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in...

I look like I've been crying for days, perfect. I at least want to give the illusion that I've been okay- God knows I think he's been fine. Last night I was asked if I do things, say things, even think things for reassurance or because I actually feel it...I still don't know the answer to that. I mean it has been over a year since I've heard those words I love you, of course I want that reassurance. Of course I want to hear it one more time. I just want to know if what he had or what he have (if there is something still there) is real. I'm starting to think that the part of me that always has this undying(?) amount of hope is a flaw, is flawed, is a lie...what if my hope has been the illusion this entire time? I keep saying it is meant to be, because I love him. SO much. Because I care, SO much. I don't want to lose him- even if its as just a friend...I don't want to lose him. I wont give up on him, I can't. I can't- not because I don't want to, because at what point will I say this is too much and I need to give up, but because I can't. Mentally I can't. Physically I can't. Emotionally...you get it?! I won't give up on us, I'm giving you all my love You've always been worth it.

Not that anything exists between the two of us, but David and that friendship would disappear if this would workout.

I miss you...I'm anxious to see your face, hear your voice, feel your touch- that might be pushing it especially since you're only giving me my ring back. 

I don't know how to feel. My level of hope scares me. 

'If you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.

-Chris Martin

I reminisce from time to time...

We wished on these stars, they were ours

They remind me of you

I'm still letting you go, I just want you to know

That I think of you

When will I stop missing you?!

...too broken to move on

A drop in the ocean

A change in the weather

I was praying that you and me might end up together

It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert

But I'm holding you closer than most 

because you are my heaven.

We were doomed from the start.

Back to January. 

Back to February.

Back to March. 

Back to now.

Wakey!Wakey!

Two months won't come fast enough. I'm meeting Grubbs. I need to.

I'm so in love, so in love

And should this be the last thing I see
 I want you to know it’s enough for me
'Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need...

I was going to write about my feelings this morning, but I can't. I'm really sad and heartbroken. I'm about to just burst into tears.

Maybe another time.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

So much that everything in me hurts.

You really do care.

Even if the stars and moon collide, I'll always want you back in my life. I'll listen to your words and all your lies.

Eating my emotions doesn't even help this pain.

OMG

Seriously...what a damn joke. A can snapchat my sister, but won't speak to me? HONESTLY I feel so heartbroken. 

I can't make it threw the day without crying.

I don't know what to do. For the first time in a really long time, I don't know what to do.

I mean...those weren't my intentions

I definitely have to cut D off again. He understands I don't like him in the way he likes me, but that doesn't stop him from sending me love videos,messages, and pictures. He's more like a good friend who helped me get deal with several situations in my life, (courtney and anthony) He understands the situation I'm in which I'm grateful for, he knows I love someone and would fight to the end for that. I'm glad that doesn't change our friendship.

If you knew you never wanted me back why did you try so hard after the situation? Why didn't you just let me go?

Up since three...again I couldn't sleep.

Thanks for tainting even my unconscious thoughts.

No luck.

I'm screaming out upon my face Followed footsteps catch my pace Broken windows fall in place Now shattered lovers find their place We'd flirt And you'd treat me like dirt All the pain and the hurt Just to make matters worse And I see you all over him Irresistible sin When can we be the same again? What can I do to be making you see? To come out clean? You're better off with me We're stuck Taking time and wasting mine No luck Running around and crashing down In you I trust nevermore Leaving you in sand and glass All I ever felt for you Went up in a cloud of smoke How I could I be such a fool To ever think that we were close? And I see you all over him Irresistible sin When can we be the same again? What can I do to be making you see? To come out clean? You're better off with me We're stuck Taking time and wasting mine No luck Running around and crashing down In you I trust nevermore Leaving you in sand and glass

It's you.

Every word you say I think

I should write down

Don't want to forget

Come daylight

And I give up

I let you win

So I took the picture of me and David down. I really wish I wasn't that drunk I would never have put it up. Anthony could have seen it. I'm assuming I took it down before anything because I know how he is and he would've messaged me telling me off or something along those lines. Before anything, I need to let you know...that picture was not put up to even try and get to Anthony. Those were NOT MY INTENTIONS! Let me just fill y'all in. I went into Manhattan to spend time with my best friend, a two hour trip took me four hours. We went to McFadden's for dollar drinks, which is obviously great...fifty six dollars later between three people (Kaitlyn's friend Evan came out with us). Well I put a picture up on IG of me and Kaitlyn and tagged our location, SO David messaged me that he would come out for drinks, I was drunk and okay with saying hi. WELL when he gets to McF's Vanessa messages him. She screen grabbed my picture on IG and sent him a message badmouthing me and accusing me of wearing her Tiffany's necklace in the picture. I went from so happy to so angry in a matter of seconds. My family took this girl in when she had no home, (her mother hates her and kicked her out. Vanessa's mom had her at 13 so she blames her for taking her life "away"), so for her to accuse me of stealing from her made me obviously so upset, I would never steal from anyone. Well moving along...David messages her back like woah chill or some stupid crap like that. I wanted to get back at her and make her feel stupid so I said "Hey David, we're taking a picture." I got distracted and never took it. Me and Kaitlyn go to grab another round of drinks and someone spills their pink drink ALL over my favorite shirt. So I cut our night short because I'm in Mid-town in a pink V-neck, not okay. We grab a taxi to Kait's and David said he wouldn't feel comfortable letting us go at 2 AM in a taxi, so he took the cab with us. I said "OH MY GOSH THE PICTURE", so we take the picture and I put it on IG since obviously Vanessa was doing major stalking, she sees it. She messages him to tell him how wrong he is for letting me put the picture up, for showing me the message, and she can not be okay with him after that. Clearly I hurt her, WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED. That sounds so bad, but I really was so angry with the situation. We say bye to David and go to Kait's. Me and Kaitlyn are both either really happy drunks or really emotional, there is no in-between for us. So the two of us are in her bed crying. Her over Niko and me over Anthony. We didn't talk for almost a month so there was so much to fill her in on..."I still love you, I love you more" situation. We stood up pretty late just catching up on everything, which was nice. She was called into work so I had to leave early the next day, I probably should've walked around and enjoyed the day, eh too late. So there's the story behind THAT picture. I really REALLY hope Anthony has not seen it. I would be devastated. We only just stopped talking. I wouldn't do that. Plus it's David...ewe

You call me up again just to break me like a promise.

I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

Happy Easter

Such a beautiful day.

Woke up pretty sad, church was amazing, made me really sad, I just woke up. Now to my great Aunt's house.

Hope everyone has a blessed resurrection day, god is good. 

🐰🌸🐣 

Thoughts of you keeping me up- great.

You make me crazy, you make me wild

I really miss you today. I can't help but be sad and miserable. 

Propose to me at a wakey wakey concert, two loves at once.

I never imagined myself being this in love with anyone. It's the craziest feeling.

My shirt smelled like him and I just broke down. His scent alone gives me butterflies, his scent alone gives me goosebumps. I can't imagine loving someone else like this.

Dreaming with a broken heart.

I just woke up thinking you messaged me, you didnt. It's 6 am and I've been up for over an hour, I just want you to miss me. I can't sleep with all of these thoughts of you.

ya'll know the drill. Broken heart 894740 posts.

I know there's a song for this situation. 

So I apologized for being a psycho with A, it led to him telling me he was going to focus on himself and I should do the same. 

I get it. Okay, I really don't. Two/three weeks ago it was "you're the one I love, I would marry you and give you this", why doesn't he get I'm not asking him to give me anything BUT his love and heart? 

So I feel really shitty about myself, I'm going to dinner with DJ tomorrow, he'll make me feel better.

Everything is so meaningless. An eternal rest doesn't sound too bad right now. 

I'm too sad for this. I want to be in bed.

Maybe one day I'll share this. 

Maybe one day I'll be strong enough.

When it rains, it pours

I don't know where I heard that quote from, but it's always been stuck in my head. 

I really wish I didn't have to leave my bed today. I just want to cry and be alone. Everyone keeps telling me everything will get better, that seems so hard to believe.

I don't know why I forgave him. Well I do. 

I'm sorry. I can't continue with this one.

all I want is to stop crying

When you said, it was over you shot right through my heart.

So where did I leave off?

Oh the message. I ended up going to sleep. He messaged me in the morning to say he was sorry and shouldn't have messaged me because I moved on.

Me? Moved on? WHAT?! I try and move on and everytime I try he comes back. How can I ever move on from him, let's think about it. 

For the next few weeks we kept trying to see eachother, but it just didn't work out. I was busy or he was. I can not express how fortunate I am that I didn't. He was leaving to Colorado and I really wanted to say goodbye, but I had a feeling "oh it's not Colorado", which my feeling was right, once again. 

This might get confusing.

Anthony leaves to Colorado. Tells me he'll try to write me, but he'll talk to me later in the week- red flag.

I wasn't seeing David, or speaking to him, I really wasn't, but he asked to see me I wasn't doing anything so I drove over there. When I was on my way home I stopped at quick check, that was the last time I remember seeing my phone. I got home and started to flip out. MY PHONE IS MISSING. 

This part is weird. Again, I swear on my grandpa this was a sign from god, I go to log on to "find my iphone" on my iPad and Anthony's phone pops up. It shows me that he's in California- with Courtney.

I messaged her, this situation that I handled with grace just went up in flames. I told her she was pathetic and Anthony will always come back to me (he cheated on her all last year with me after all).

For a week. I cried. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. My heart was broken, shattered, destroyed. I felt so betrayed. I felt that everything just stopped, I literally wanted to die and I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it a few times. My friend had to carry me into my room, my mom had to drag me out of bed. I just couldn't help myself. Actually telling this story is a bit overwhelming. 

When I actually was able to get out of bed I decided he wasn't good for me, my physical or mental health. But, just as our story goes, I stop thinking about him or I'm ready to move on and he comes back.

He messaged me and we spoke in person. He won me back- again. 

And we were good. We went to a  Wakey!Wakey! concert. And we hung out. We spent quality time. And I had him back. I was so happy. I felt love again happy again. 

I went to disney for my birthday and in one of my crazy feeling moments, I knew he spoke to Courtney. So "I" broke into his phone. I read messages with Courtney and she still loves him and he said it back.

The knife in my heart was put back, it was turned. I just keep getting hurt by him and it's the worst feeling. 

Seeing that he wrote the words I love you, back to her, HURT so bad. 

The last time I got an I love you from him was over a year ago, yet this girl that he just broke up to work on things with me got it. 

He was supposed to make things up to me, I forgave him because I love him. I forgave him because I just want things with us to work. He won me back with his sweet words.

This is up until this past Thursday. Where we hung out and in front of me he accepted an invitation to dinner with another girl and his friend and another girl (double date?). 

I love anthony. I always will. He is my first in so many ways. He is my best friend, no matter what we go through. I've said it before and I'll say it again, every up imaginable and every low imaginable-we've been through it. It's hard to just give that up, just give him up. 

I forgive him, but I can't forget. I forgive him, but I can't let go of SOME of the past. I sound stupid, I know. But it's my life, it's my heart, it's mine. I just want to be the girl he loves, the girl he can turn to, and count on. I want to be the girl when his dreams come true.

As of now we aren't speaking. Just an update. 

You should beware, beware, beware of a woman with a broken heart.

So we stopped speaking in November. 

I was fine. I bottled my emotions and never fully dealt with the reality of the situation, but I was fine. 

Christmas comes around. I couldn't bare with the idea of not saying Merry Christmas. This was the kid I loved for three years. The kid I went through every up and every down with, on one of my favorite days of the year I couldn't stand the idea of not wishing him a Merry Christmas. So after a lot of thought, I messaged him. To my surprise I had no answer. I thought I should expect this, but then after really thinking about the situation I shouldn't have expected it.

For New Years I went out, with the girl he slept with (remember last year?) I was the bigger person and became friends with her, because I thought she would be honest with me and try to bury the hatchet (I was wrong, that'll come later). I was drunk, but I still wished him a Happy New Years...I'm a sucker for holidays. 

I still had no response, so I gave up. I began to move on. I closed him out of my life as best as I could. 

I didn't run back to David, which I've been famous to do. I didn't look back on any past relationships. Another post I'll dedicate to David. This is for our boy A.

I began to hang out with Carl. In the strangest way. We started to become friends back in High School and lost contact. He found my ig and fb so we became friends again. We hung over the summer, but nothing came of it and we both had school. So on New Years I guess I drunk text messaged him. We started talking and then we hung out. We met up at BWW for the patriots game, if you can accept me yelling at people and a tv in public, you have my time. 

So in true Danielle fashion, I got wasted. I was with Anthony's past sex partner (blehk) she thought he was nice. Which he is. He had to drive me home because I couldn't even write my name. 

If you read this far, then this is where the story gets good. We're sitting in front of my house, in his car, I'm drunk, and he's telling me his feelings for me. 

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND I HAVENT SPOKEN TO ANTHONY SINCE NOVEMBER.

It's five AM and my phone goes off, it's Anthony. I'm about to kiss this kid and all of the people to message me, it's him. I drop my phone. Look at Carl and tell him I need to go inside. I do not kiss him, do not look back, just message Anthony back. 

He's telling me how he misses me and he's hurt. And wants to talk and work things out. 

I'm so drunk, so happy, so sad. I felt every emotion in those moments.

Girls only say "hate you" to the guys that they love.

Well...I'll be damned. The last Anthony update was back in September. SCARY. A full update would take weeks, essays, pictures. So I'll try to make it short without leaving out the crucial parts. If you know me, then you know I met Anthony while working for the same company, and if you don't know me, you know that now, well Anthony quit in October. Everyone told me that he was moving to Colorado, including himself. I can swear on my grandfather's grave, I had a gut wrenching feeling telling me it was California. Which after putting pressure on different people, I found out that my feeling was correct. For days maybe weeks I was inconsolable. Well to make that story short, problems arose in that relationship and he didn't move out there. He just flew out to visit. When he landed he came back to me. For the next two weeks we were okay. Or maybe it was a week.

My uncle died. We started to fall apart, not because of my pain, but because he lied to me. He was "with family" turns out he was really with her. We fought, out of his guilt (maybe?). At the time I didn't know he was with her, so I thought it was me and the fuck up I am. 

On accident I sent him a screen grab of our conversation. He got really angry with me for putting him in my phone as "Do NOT Answer" with an emoticon of a pig (well a boar, the pig was too cute for my strong negative emotions towards him) and a gun. Die you pig, for hutting me over and over again. We actually ended all communication for a while because of that. I apologized for the pig gun thing because I felt pretty shitty, but my apology went as far as me throwing a ten ton truck. 

I've began to blog on tumblr, but honestly nothing is like having this "blogger". I've had it for years, a lot of great secrets, great stories are on here. One thing I do wish is I gave some of my posts with the song title and artist.