I feel so helpless in this situation. Kaitlyn is resorting back to old habits and there is nothing I can say or do to change that. How can I help her when I can't even help myself? What do I say when I can't even quiet my thoughts? 

I really just miss him so much. It's really taking everything to not message him. 

We were in love, but I wasn't the only one.

If you love me so much then why'd you let me go

Cause it's the time when my heart got shutdown

Still ain't learn me no manners, you love me when I ain't sober

You love me when I'm hungover, even when I blow doja

Then her auntie came over, skinny bitch with no shoulders

Tellin' you that I'm bogus, bitch you don't even know us

Baby girl, he's a loner, baby girl, he's a loner

I have done every single thing to get out of writing this speech...one subject comes to mind and that's a subject that may be too difficult to tackle in a room full of strangers. 

It’s been long enough that I can think of you and it’s been long enough that I can speak to you but I don’t really think that you want to anymore. I could have done much better for you but you could have done much better for me, I’m sure. What if we got it all wrong? So we tried our best but it wasn’t enough and we tried so hard that we fucked it up. And I understand it. It’s gotta be hard; what you’re going through. And I get what you say but it’s what with you… It got us here and I guess what’s done is done. What if we got it all wrong? Days are short and the nights are long and it’s all fucked up but we carry on cuz there’s little else and nothing left to do.”

-Wakey!Wakey!

I guess all I can hope now is that you don't bad mouth me like you bad mouthed her.

A few more weeks for wakey wakey...I wish I never shared that concert with you, now this one won't be the same.

A few more weeks for wakey wakey...I wish I never shared that concert with you, now this one won't be the same.

You and I we don't wanna be like them

We can make it until the end

Nothing can come between 

I guess, I was just so afraid that you were another asshole that I became the biggest asshole of all.

Guess it's cool to ignore me and say hi to my sister.

Guess it's cool to ignore me and say hi to my sister.

Like sooo so sad.

Seeing him is way too hard. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

I'm just empty. I feel nothing. 

One of the best feelings is having your friend message you to tell you how amazing your aunt was. Especially since you didn't know they knew eachother. 

What a hard day. 

I'm really bad at saying goodbye to people, okay I'm terrible at it- and I had to say bye to two people at once. 

Aunt Delia didn't look like herself at all, another reason to hate funerals (the dead never look how you want to remember them), I went up during the first service to say goodbye. 

I also had to say bye to Titi Elba. I don't have a grandma and for the past two months she's been here and it has felt like I have had a grandma, I would imagine that the way I am with her is the way I would be with grandpa. Titi Elba is only going to Puerto Rico, but still. I really wish she would stay here with me. 

I also fainted today. This is the second time in three months which scares me, but I convinced everyone I was okay. I really wanted to say goodbye to Titi Elba.  

Mind is a razor blade...

We had a promise made,

We were in love.

Sharing the same heartbeat in one night.

Jenny must've had a hidden motive...David just called me. I'm pretty sure I blocked his number.

It's been over a week...I'm still really sad and broken. I haven't talked about it with anyone, just michael, and I don't know if it's eating at me or if it's for the best. I keep saying I'll deal with it after he leaves.

I don't know why I'm so anxious today. I woke up feeling extremely overwhelmed. I wish I never requested off of work, I have nothing to do for the next few days. I do have to call and let them know I can't come in to help- I don't know any information about the wake or funeral yet.

RIP Titi Delia ): 

I still can't sleep 

White flowers are so beautiful. I wish I had a Lilly, not a bouquet just like one

I hate sleeping alone. Why can't you be here to play with my hair and kiss my fore head and just hold me?

I'm just so hurt and so aggravated.

After laying in bed for a week I realized a lifetime's worth. 

When I saw that "I still love you, -I love you more", I should've never let that slide. I should've made my forgiveness the biggest obstacle that came with an amazing reward. My feelings got in the way of my logical thinking.  

When I read his other messages I should've realized something. I should've realized that he is a different person when he isn't trying to be the person I want him to be. How disgusting, talking about teenage girls?

When he lied about going to CA I should've never forgiven that, I should've looked the other way and left the car after I got the answers I needed. 

When he went on that double date I should've stayed away. 

When he came to drop off my ring I should've taken the ring and went inside. He shouldn't have followed. He shouldn't have taken that as a way to get back with me. (He regrets that anyways). 

When I was drinking THAT much I should've never talked to him. 

When Saks asked if we were okay to work together I should've told them the truth, it wasn't okay. 

I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was, "I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss," which is pathetic. But the last time we were together and happy, I... want to be able remember that, and I can't. I can't remember.

This road to self destruction has to have an end somewhere...soon. 

Weird...David's cousin just invited me to the hamptons this week.

Nothing feels better than eating over two thousand calories in one snack sitting.

I never needed to test my feelings for you...I would've given you everything. I don't forgive you for seeing her or for needing to test your feelings for me.  

May everyone recieve the closure and clarification they need. It's the only way to start your day brand new.

God, 

Thank you for my petite build. I love being five two and a half and I love weighing one hundred and thirty pounds. 

Amen.

Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.

I'm so sick to my stomach. Such at a loss for words. I wish I ended it all when I had the chance the other day, when I was in that state of mind. I should've called it quits and said goodbye to everyone when I had the chance. I would rather not go on another day than feel how I do and how I have. 

"He said he's not happy with himself...

-yeah, we know that. We knew that for a while.

I just keep hoping I'll be there to make him happy. Why can't he be happy with me, why don't I make his heart happy like he makes mine? Why am I the one crying every five minutes? I'm happy with myself. I'm just so empty and heartbroken."  

Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand. Because for so long I’ve been hurt, and for so long you’ve ignored it. And maybe it is bad timing, but maybe i don’t care. I’ve been here all along, just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too. But you haven’t, and maybe you never will. Or maybe you’re afraid to. But it all hurts the same and in the end, I’m the one who’s left broken and crying myself to sleep. So screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will.

"Because you love me until you don't, I want something real"

I think I remember something about us being friends, something about him needing a friend before Bootcamp, something about opening up...I could be just hoping those things and that could never have happened.

But I still feel like I lost.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in the sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet. probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real-but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live

It’s the same with people who say, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ Even people who say this must realize that the exact opposite is true. What doesn’t kill you maims you, cripples you, leaves you weak, makes you whiny and full of yourself at the same time. The more pain, the more pompous you get. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you incredibly annoying.

-Robert Sheffield, Love is a Mixtape

And with that, I should apologize to the very few I've vented to about all of this.

Unrequited love

Aka story of my life.

My problem is that I never checked how you felt, it was always about me because I was the one who would speak up, you never spoke up and never told me how you felt, so I never knew what was going down. 

My other problem is, I kept looking for reasons for us to not work out since that's always what happened with us. We would be okay and then something would happen and we would be ruined. I just kept expecting that to happen all over again. 

The other problem is, I began to put walls up and you never took yours down- at least not with me. 

The other problem is, since I didn't receive reassurance and validation, I thought I didn't matter. The problem with this problem is, I'm pretty sure you told me you didn't care. 

I spoke to Michael today, he's moving back June 1st so that was good news- I get my best friend back for a few months. He's finished with the Marines this Friday, I am so happy for him. I told him about the Anthony situation, he isn't Anthony's biggest fan so his advice surprised me. He told me has known me for the past (almost) six years and he knows how I am and how demanding and insecure I am, which doesn't mean I don't love myself (these days everyone thinks I have a problem with myself GUYS I AM AMAZING, I LOVE MYSELF). Michael said that since I was drunk and don't remember everything that the conversation entailed that I shouldn't ask about it, but I should apologize for the conversation for taking place when I was drinking and I shouldn't plan for anything in the conversation. He yelled at me for even drinking and told me I was wrong and should apologize. WELL I did call Anthony and he didn't return my call, which Michael says he thinks he will, but its been hours so he probably won't call me back. I've been in bed eating and watching The Mindy Project all day. I just want to know if this was really it and if it was and is really it then I have to say okay I understand. Michael said any guy would love to have me and I'm an amazing, beautiful girl. I just need answers that I never was able to get since I was so intoxicated...and I guess I just have to deal if I don't have the answers. I just like to have closure and I like to know what's going on. God I wish I had those text messages, they have the answers I need...I know they do and they have all of the potential to heal the pain I'm feeling with closure. Basically, I can't even remember what we were fighting about and that is what sucks, maybe what I'm looking for is details and answers from that night- a summary of the conversation. I can't help but think he turned back to Courtney.

I'm only there so you're not alone And you say that I hurt you in a voice like a prayer Your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies I see through them all the time

"Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand. Because for so long I’ve been hurt, and for so long you’ve ignored it. And maybe it is bad timing, but maybe i don’t care. I’ve been here all along, just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too. But you haven’t, and maybe you never will. Or maybe you’re afraid to. But it all hurts the same and in the end, I’m the one who’s left broken and crying myself to sleep. So screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will."

I think what I'm having trouble understanding is it all. I thought I was going to be able to say something specific, but I honestly can't understand any of it. I'm feeling very Sylvia Plath these days. Part of me wants to ask for those messages again, but honestly I don't think he has them and if he has them he probably won't be sending them (this would be my THIRD attempt). That conversation should've never taken place with THAT MUCH alcohol in my system, ever. The answers I needed I did not receive and if I did I can not remember them. The questions I needed to ask were probably worded in the most insane way- that's if they were even asked at all. I remember a lot of yelling, crying, insults. I obviously don't want him to die or fail in the navy. I obviously didn't it when I said I hated him (god, I wish I did). I didn't mean it when I said I didn't want him talking to Chelsea; if he put that restriction on me with his aunt and mother I would lose it (I love those two). I can sort of remember certain parts of the conversation- like him saying he hasn't cared about me in two years or like he would have spent the rest of his life with Courtney...I will never be able to understand how someone can even think of spending their life with someone they cheated on their ENTIRE relationship (just another thing I will never understand). I have chocolate cupcake everywhere- just since I've been consuming over two thousand calories a day. My over sensitivity I've been experiencing this week has been insane, I guess that is where my overthinking with Anthony has came from. I've definitely been having body issues lately and I've been taking that out on a lot of people. I lash out. It's such a terrible quality.

"I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with her" 

Makes sense since you cheated on her your entire relationship. 

Something so you didn't have nothing...on replay in my head

I think subconsciously Mother's Day bothers me because I could've had a baby. I could've been having a Mother's Day. And since I never really fully dealt with the abortion it bothers me. I think that could be a reason why I've been so overly sensitive. 

I still remember the Mother's Day after the abortion when Anthony said happy Mother's Day, way to kill my spirit.

There was something in those messages I need to read over and remind myself of...I don't get why he can't just send them to me. 

I love Kaitlyn and I know she's trying to keep me busy and keep me away from laying down and crying, but that's what I want. It's what I need. I can't sleep over tonight. All I truly want to do is lay in bed with ice cream and cake watching mindy. Maybe it'll make me feel better. Maybe it won't. 

At this point Kaitlyn won't even let me out of her sight.

I really don't understand how I am even functioning right now. After last night...it doesn't make sense. I'm basically a destroyed person. I don't know how else to say it...my heart was basically ripped out of my chest with no regards to anything.

Me and Anthony are finished and I know that's been said a million times before, but this time it's honestly over. I don't want that. And this wasn't mutual. I've been saying all week how he's been indifferent with me and I didn't understand why, and then him showing the David picture didn't help things, and then there was the no kissing thing the rest of that night and just a weird morning. It could've definitely been me being over sensitive or over thinking, but I didn't think just bringing up a situation or asking a question would've created such a huge fight. I would've never thought it would end everything. Just like that. When I called him to speak on the phone it was to honestly say "hey this conversation that occurred earlier was weird, I was weird, and I don't want things to be weird." That turned into hours of screaming, into Anthony telling me he doesn't care about me, he hasn't cared about me in two years, I was only there because he "rather have something than nothing", he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with Courtney, he regretted seeing me the other day, sleeping with me, hanging out with me...I can literally go on with this list. 

Obviously I was crying (I look like my whole family died, my eyes are swollen, my eyes are just so sad) like a crazed lunatic. I drank a whole entire bottle of wine. I don't think I've ever been this sad.  I remember telling him I hate him, sorry it was "you don't get it I fucking hate you." I don't understand and I won't ever understand why or what I did to deserve this. I deserve closure and he doesn't want to give me it because "everytime this happens" I ask for it. Well obviously. Why can't he just let me go? Like he sits there and tells me he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, and he loves Courtney BUT if I go see David I'm wrong (I wouldn't go see David because I'm the idiot who cut my friend of four years out of my life for Anrhony he wouldn't have done something like that for me). I wish I knew I really do. I told him I can't work with him and I will change my availability at saks to avoid him at all costs. I really just need him to leave for the navy. I can't keep going on with him here. I really don't even feel like living another day, honestly.  I sat in bed last night contemplating what I should do. Kaitlyn saw me, but that didn't take me off the ledge. On my way to her house I couldn't stop thinking, I can just step off of this platform and a subway will end all of my pain and suffering. 

I pray that no one ever hears the person they love say they were there because they rather have something than nothing.

I really do not know what to take of this situation, really I don't. One minute its okay and the next it isn't. Today was weird, last night was weird. Have not heard from A since 1:30 interesting. ps. thiswas from the day before

I guess I didn't deserve an answer...I feel amazing, really. I feel like someone just put a knife through my heart and twisted it a few times. 

It'll never end. I don't understand why anyone would want to make anyone feel this way. I don't understand how last weekend we were amazing and this weekend it's something completley opposit. I don't get it and I never will. 

OH MY GOODNESS. 

Danielle, breathe. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Don't be so sad. Breathe.

Drowning myself in the mindy project

I'm disappointed. Very disappointed.

I can't help but think that today and last night were the last. You're probably reading that first like and saying "oh here she goes again!" Maybe even scrolling past this, but idk something has gone weird since yesterday. Maybe it was the bringing the picture me of me and David up (by bringing I mean verbally and physically-like let me show your sister this picture) or maybe it's the fact he hasn't kissed me once. I'm sorry I asked for a kiss and got one, so that was a lie. It's just very awkward like there's something going on and usually since I have my gut feelings I know what, but since I have nothing I have no idea. I'm just really sad. That's all. 

 

Terrified

That helped to clarify things...

Dear God, My faith is in you and I know it is placed in the right place. Please, please, please let me and Anthony have the best outcome. I love that kid more than he'll ever know and I just want us to be together and I want us to be happy. I know you can make this happen, I have all the faith in you and in that relationship.

lost are saved; find their way, at the sound of your great name.

" "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." - 2COR 12:9 As you start this week, are you feeling, overwhelmed, weak, insecure, unsure, broken? The good news: In brokenness, Jesus does his BEST work. Be encouraged as you head in to this new week, knowing that your Savior is able to take your broken pieces and make the most exquisite work of art. So stop trying to fix it yourself. Hand over your pieces to the ONE who is strongest in our weakness." -Natalie Grant

My, my, my...

I really don't know why I'm so sad, it's this overwhelming sadness for the past two days. I'm trying to ignore it because I really don't know what it's from, except it's driving me up the walls. 

When is loving somone too much?

Last night was spent full of short answers, which I can't understand why.

Yesterday afternoon was spent sleeping.

Yesterday morning wasn't spent cuddled.

Saturday night was great though.

For the first time in over a year I was invited to hang out with Anthony and his friends...that's hard to not be excited over. It cost fifty dollars to get to his friend's house (womp).  

We had drunk sex, which was good, except I was told a few time to shut up-asshole. 

He told me he missed me it was a nice feeling. 

Today and last night are just confusing. 

I wanted to hang out today since Titi Delia is probably going to be taken off of the respirator tomorrow, he said yeah maybe, but then didn't talk to me all day. I rather him have said no. I would've understood since we've been together for a few days now. 

I always overthink so I'm trying really hard not to, but it's really bugging me. We were just talking all day and now nothing. 

He isn't my boyfriend so there's no commitment there. 

Also we're going to AC in two weeks, yay

I AM TRYING SUPER HARD TO NOT GO CRAZY AND OVER THINK!

it's really hard, beyond words hard. 

I am yours to keep.

I wish I could do better by you, 

'cause that's what you deserve

I'm so relieved I apologized. Not just apologized, but apologized in person. 

Danielle, you made a huge step. An apology is not an essay it's putting your pride aside and verbally declaring it. It's a move up for you. 

Now we just wait to see what happens next. 

I think one of the most hurtful things I've ever heard Anthony say was him telling me he "didn't really like" me. To hear the person I love utter those words just tore at every string inside of me. Tonight I apologized for what happened. (Even though the purpose of what happened wasn't supposed to affect him.) I messed up and I wouldn't want that done to me. I really care about Anthony TOO much to have put a picture up with David to be malicious. The purpose was Vanessa and me being drunk and foolish affected the wrong person. 

I feel better I apologized in person.

I wish.

I don't have any feelings and I don't want to...I just want to be happy and take this as it comes.