Me and Anthony are finished and I know that's been said a million times before, but this time it's honestly over. I don't want that. And this wasn't mutual. I've been saying all week how he's been indifferent with me and I didn't understand why, and then him showing the David picture didn't help things, and then there was the no kissing thing the rest of that night and just a weird morning. It could've definitely been me being over sensitive or over thinking, but I didn't think just bringing up a situation or asking a question would've created such a huge fight. I would've never thought it would end everything. Just like that. When I called him to speak on the phone it was to honestly say "hey this conversation that occurred earlier was weird, I was weird, and I don't want things to be weird." That turned into hours of screaming, into Anthony telling me he doesn't care about me, he hasn't cared about me in two years, I was only there because he "rather have something than nothing", he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with Courtney, he regretted seeing me the other day, sleeping with me, hanging out with me...I can literally go on with this list.
Obviously I was crying (I look like my whole family died, my eyes are swollen, my eyes are just so sad) like a crazed lunatic. I drank a whole entire bottle of wine. I don't think I've ever been this sad. I remember telling him I hate him, sorry it was "you don't get it I fucking hate you." I don't understand and I won't ever understand why or what I did to deserve this. I deserve closure and he doesn't want to give me it because "everytime this happens" I ask for it. Well obviously. Why can't he just let me go? Like he sits there and tells me he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, and he loves Courtney BUT if I go see David I'm wrong (I wouldn't go see David because I'm the idiot who cut my friend of four years out of my life for Anrhony he wouldn't have done something like that for me). I wish I knew I really do. I told him I can't work with him and I will change my availability at saks to avoid him at all costs. I really just need him to leave for the navy. I can't keep going on with him here. I really don't even feel like living another day, honestly. I sat in bed last night contemplating what I should do. Kaitlyn saw me, but that didn't take me off the ledge. On my way to her house I couldn't stop thinking, I can just step off of this platform and a subway will end all of my pain and suffering.
