I want to believe in it all again. Music and art, fate and love. And I want to believe that I've made the right choices and that I'm on the right path and there's still time to fix the mistakes I've made. And I guess I want hope. And I want Lucas. I wish i could change some of the things about how I've acted in the last couple months. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. You know, I told Lucas that if he loved his fiancée, then I would learn to be okay with that because I wanted him to be happy. But... really, I just wanted us to be happy -- Me and him. Oh, and then when he didn't marry her, I mean, I felt terrible for her and for him, you know? His heart is... breaking right now, and... I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part, letting go, you know? That's the part of grace that really sucks.

-Peyton Sawyer; One Tree Hill

Apologies.

Yesterday he said my eyes
Were fading fast away
I said well what do you expect
You asked me not to stay and if it had all been for the best
I wouldn't feel this way
And he said

Oh he said it's crazy
How love stays with me
You know it hurts me
Cause I don't wanna fight this war
It's amazing to see me reading through this scene
Of love and fear and apologies.


It's way too late for dignity
It's time for apologies

My Bruises.

And don’t you dare talk about how much you really loved me,

You never loved me no,
And I don't need you.

yeah well maybe I hurt you sometimes,
let's contrast and compare
lift up your shirt
the wound isn't there.

... you don't want my heart to ever heal, you just keep me hanging on.

Doesn't the concept of missing someone come from how you feel, not the other person?

I don't think I can put my heart through this.

I miss Anthony terribly. Last nights conversation drained me emotionally.

If you're always looking for a reason to not be with someone you will always find reasons to not be with them.

I always checked to make sure it was there. I was never disappointed. He kept that scrunchie like it was worth everything; little did he know it meant everything to me. As long as I saw it I knew there was a place for me in his heart and in his life.
Flashback to the day it was only us working on a project together. I think it was me telling him it was a nice pony and him saying something like oh this girl gave it to me I think she likes me. To this I smiled- I'm sure ear to ear; I touched his arm at that moment and everything was just a little bit easier. Like breathing and smiling. I told him that girl did like him...that night I went back to his house and we just laid together and it was us again. The feelings were brought back- no reawakened.
I wish that scrunchie still existed. It was sort of like a life jacket. When I was drowning seeing that scrunchie brought me to the air again, it protected my heart from the worst case scenario.