Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes
But we stay in our clothes
I’m only there so you’re not alone

And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer.

Yeah you say that I’ve hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer.

Yeah well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let’s contrast and compare…

Lift up your shirt, the wound isn’t there

It's cool we can still be friends. 

I feel crushed

I should've expected this.

Do you know how it feels to be turned away by someone you're madly in love with? Do you know how it feels to be turned away after getting your hopes higher than the clouds? How about not seeing, touching, hearing that person's voice for six months...yeah I can promise you it's shit. It's like getting your heart broken all over again.

I fucking hate you...seriously 

I thought everything has been in my favor as of late, I was wrong. I was starting to feel happy again thinking that everything was falling back into place, but yesterday changed that all. I felt anxiety and suscpions again, I felt paranoia. I never wanted to feel this way again and now that I do, I'm angry. I never truly understood how it takes one person to turn your world until last week- at least I can say it was a nice week. 

Today I realized something. The idea of the life I'm supposed to have is just that, an idea. The life I saw for myself is full of unrealistic goals. The boy and the fairy tale life just aren't for me. The idea of love isn't for me. I'm not okay with that, but I do need to realize that that is the reality I face. It's the truth, it's my truth. 

I was fortunate enough to have love, unfortunate enough to lose it, unfortunate enough to not be able to keep it...but I will be fortunate enough to live a life when God is who I wake up to every day. 

Little do you know, I...

I love you 'till the sun dies 

I can't handle it

I just feel it that you're over us

If I wait here,

If I see you

It won't matter,

What's the point of this?

We're in pieces because you're over us

Unkiss me.

😔💔🐜

Unkiss me was written for me and Ant.

This is my love song to you

Let everyone know I’m yours

So you can fall asleep each night, babe

And know I’m dreaming of you more

You’re always hoping that we make it

You always want to keep my gaze

Well you’re the only one I see

And that’s the one thing that won’t change

I’ll never stop trying

I’ll never stop watching as you leave

I’ll never stop losing my breath

Every time I see you looking back at me

I’ll never stop holding your hand

I’ll never stop opening your door

I’ll never stop choosing you babe

I’ll never get used to you

Here's to what could've been...

Here's to four years

Here's to you

Here's to me

Here's to my accomplishments 

And here's to yours'

Here's to life

Here's to life when I was with you

Here's to life after I lost you

(God I lost you a lot)

Here's to happiness

Here's to living without you

Here's to the sadness of not having you

Here's to missing you

Here's to our anniversary

Here's to what would've been 

Here's to an anniversary that never existed. 

Save your advice because  I won't hear

You might be right, but I don't care

There are a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants. 

I still love you. I still miss you. I still think about you-every second of every day. 

It just wasn't meant to be. I ended it tonight and I can't say I regret it or even feel sad. I feel relieved.

Our love is gone, but I'll survive 

My savior loves, my savior lives, my savior's always there for me! 

If I kissed you, I would soar. 

Near to you I am healing, but it's taken so long

Though he's gone, and you are wonderful it's hard to move on. 

I can't wait for church on Saturday. 

Fingers crossed that I got this. 

A broken heart is a broken heart, to take measures is a cruelty. 

Sometimes you have to go back to go forward.

Round and round like a horse on a carousel, we go,

will I catch up to love? I could never tell

I know, chasing after you is like a fairytale, 

But I feel like I'm glued on tight to this carousel.

It was different this time around. 

I didn't cry. I didn't mope. I didn't complain. 

Instead, I got angry. I got angry and I stopped caring. 

I stopped caring and I moved on. 

He isn't you and it's a big change, but it's what you pushed me into. 

Best of luck and life.

Just lay down with me before you go

It's the wrong thing I know

But I don't know when I will see you again

Maybe if you leave we can work it out.

It feels bad now, but it's going to get better, someday. 

Just to put your mind at ease

You don't owe me anything

You paid me well in memories

And I think of you whenever life gets me down

I think of you whenever you're not around

...You still pull me home

Sometimes you have the rigt person in your life, but it's the wrong time. Trust in God. #timing

-Paula White

I'm giving my life to the only One

Who makes the moon reflect the sun

On that starry night

He changed my life

I'm giving it all to the only Son

Who gave me hope when I had none

So let the praises ring

HE IS EVERYTHING 

If you need a reminder today,

You are stronger than you think. You are bigger than what you are facing. 

God Bless. 

Dark paradise

No one compares to you,

But there's no you- except in my dreams tonight.

I don't want to wake up from this tonight. 

You've been so unavailable

Now sadly I know why

Your heart is unobtainable

Even though Lord knows you kept mine

Redeemer, My Healer,Lord Almighty

My Savior, Defender, You are My King

Happy Holy Sunday! 

God is alive and the Holy Spirit is all around us today. Have a blessed day and a blessed week! Amen. 

God has given me the strength to deal with the emotional and mental battles I have experienced these last few weeks. What am amazing God.  

I thought I would return to this blog on a daily basis to vent and to sort out my emotions, but I didn't. The emotional and mental baggage I was carrying was lifted, it was taken care of by my faith in Jesus.  

God never gives someone more than they can handle, he has dealt me the hand of cards I've been given to make me into the person I am meant to be and the person I am becoming. He truly is here to take our pain and broken pieces and use them to make us into the beautiful pieces of work we are. All it takes is our asking, it takes our giving, and our praise.

  Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in YOUR embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

It's been easy. I haven't been sad. I still don't think it's hit me. If I talk about it I get sad though. 

Today is hard. I keep having flashbacks to when I said goodbye, like Anthony wiping my tears. It's making me so sad.

I'm sad, but I still haven't realized that he's gone. 

Yesterday was easy. 

Today has been okay. 

I don't really know how I feel or how to feel.

I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is relief or if it just hasn't hit me yet.

I feel pretty shitty that I'm not "upset". I was expecting to be a mess. 

Yesterday, I said goodbye to Anthony. It wasn't a great goodbye. I wanted a goodbye that would mean the world to both of us, a goodbye that we could be proud of, instead we fought. 

He accused me of trying to blackmail him. You're probably wondering how, well I asked him if he pulled out during sex and he doesn't. He told me I was trying to get pregnant to trap him.

How terrible of a feeling. The person I love thinks I would do something so cruel as to trick him into staying with me. 

I already know he doesn't want me so how pathetic would I be?

I feel okay now. I was really sad yesterday. It was so hard saying bye, but after how the day turned out I ended up feeling okay. 

I feel almost relieved. I can start my life now. 

There's always an end to something- and this is it. I've had this blog open for just about four years now; it all started with a way to relieve anxiety and sort out my emotions, but now it's just a reminder of a lost heart, a broken story, and two people who can't even look at each other. I'm starting a new leaf and that means ending my past. One day I'll return to this. One day I'll look back and say "wow I can't believe this is how I felt", but for the first time (I think ever) I will look back at this and say "I can not believe I was so in love with someone who didn't (maybe never) loved me back". So...here's to love, luck, and the future. If a broken heart led you to this page, please (and I mean it PLEASE) know it gets better. I'm proof. It might not ever heel, but that pain becomes tolerable and once it becomes tolerable you're able to move on. You'll find love don't search for it. Put yourself first and if you think that even for a second you aren't number one, stop, take a breathe, and remember when everyone is gone you only have yourself. I'll miss this. With nothing BUT the best, xoxo

Well today sucked...was going to go into the city, but Kaitlin has been lying and hiding her relationship with Niko. She wanted me to meet him today, but I can't invest my time or energy into her and that relationship when they break up every week. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I wish Anthony would acknowledge my existence. Wait, does that seem obsessive of me? I mean, "I am obsessed with him." Jokes. Guess I'll do my homework by myself...I have to study anyways. 

But I'm the obsessed one? Oooohkay. That obsession is a two way street, those feelings are completely mutual.

I'm just so annoyed. Clearly my feelings don't mean anything and there is no respect present for me...gym times?  Cool.

Went on a lovely date tonight with a great person and I couldn't enjoy myself...he wasn't you.

First date in years...wow

I just woke up crying. It sucks to feel this way with nowhere to turn. I feel I've exhausted everyone around me with these problems. I'm honestly so torn. I can't believe in one month I'll lose A for good. It sucks that he's leaving and we can't even say hi to each other. It sucks even more that I feel the way I do and those feelings can't be returned. It's breaking and draining. I finally realized how annoying it is to constantly accuse someone and jump to conclusions and even act on insecurities. 

I'm just so sad. I can't stop crying. I'm so happy I'm off tomorrow, so happy.

I know I'm supposed to do five minutes a day...today was bad & I can't write how I feel.

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

I can not wake up in the morning without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy

To walk right in and out of my life?

I should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

First night in weeks I didn't dream of you, has to be a sign right? 

It'll be really weird seeing wakey!wakey! this time around. I'm extremely excited and can not wait for this concert, but I'm saddened by it also. My last concert was with Anthony and I'm so grateful he came; it was truly a beautiful moment in our relationship (at least to me). I would love for him to come with me and this be our last "ha-ra"...here's to hoping.

We’ll fall

But we’ll try

We’ll do our best

And I’ll love you all the while

Why am I so emotional?
And deep down I know this never works
But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

Won't you stay with me?
'Cause you're all I need
This ain't love it's clear to see
But darling, stay with me

I wish David would get the point, it's been two months of ignoring him and he still messages me. Karen doesn't get the whole David situation. I made a promise, to myself, I wouldn't speak to David because of Anthony- I'm keeping that promise even though Anthony hates me.

Weird...David just messaged me

If I have one more dream with you in it😡

Today was terrible

The flowers you have me are rotting and yet I refuse to throw them away

I feel so helpless in this situation. Kaitlyn is resorting back to old habits and there is nothing I can say or do to change that. How can I help her when I can't even help myself? What do I say when I can't even quiet my thoughts? 

I really just miss him so much. It's really taking everything to not message him. 

We were in love, but I wasn't the only one.

If you love me so much then why'd you let me go

Cause it's the time when my heart got shutdown

Still ain't learn me no manners, you love me when I ain't sober

You love me when I'm hungover, even when I blow doja

Then her auntie came over, skinny bitch with no shoulders

Tellin' you that I'm bogus, bitch you don't even know us

Baby girl, he's a loner, baby girl, he's a loner

I have done every single thing to get out of writing this speech...one subject comes to mind and that's a subject that may be too difficult to tackle in a room full of strangers. 

It’s been long enough that I can think of you and it’s been long enough that I can speak to you but I don’t really think that you want to anymore. I could have done much better for you but you could have done much better for me, I’m sure. What if we got it all wrong? So we tried our best but it wasn’t enough and we tried so hard that we fucked it up. And I understand it. It’s gotta be hard; what you’re going through. And I get what you say but it’s what with you… It got us here and I guess what’s done is done. What if we got it all wrong? Days are short and the nights are long and it’s all fucked up but we carry on cuz there’s little else and nothing left to do.”

-Wakey!Wakey!

I guess all I can hope now is that you don't bad mouth me like you bad mouthed her.

A few more weeks for wakey wakey...I wish I never shared that concert with you, now this one won't be the same.

A few more weeks for wakey wakey...I wish I never shared that concert with you, now this one won't be the same.

You and I we don't wanna be like them

We can make it until the end

Nothing can come between 

I guess, I was just so afraid that you were another asshole that I became the biggest asshole of all.

Guess it's cool to ignore me and say hi to my sister.

Guess it's cool to ignore me and say hi to my sister.

Like sooo so sad.

Seeing him is way too hard. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

I'm just empty. I feel nothing. 

One of the best feelings is having your friend message you to tell you how amazing your aunt was. Especially since you didn't know they knew eachother. 

What a hard day. 

I'm really bad at saying goodbye to people, okay I'm terrible at it- and I had to say bye to two people at once. 

Aunt Delia didn't look like herself at all, another reason to hate funerals (the dead never look how you want to remember them), I went up during the first service to say goodbye. 

I also had to say bye to Titi Elba. I don't have a grandma and for the past two months she's been here and it has felt like I have had a grandma, I would imagine that the way I am with her is the way I would be with grandpa. Titi Elba is only going to Puerto Rico, but still. I really wish she would stay here with me. 

I also fainted today. This is the second time in three months which scares me, but I convinced everyone I was okay. I really wanted to say goodbye to Titi Elba.  

Mind is a razor blade...

We had a promise made,

We were in love.

Sharing the same heartbeat in one night.

Jenny must've had a hidden motive...David just called me. I'm pretty sure I blocked his number.

It's been over a week...I'm still really sad and broken. I haven't talked about it with anyone, just michael, and I don't know if it's eating at me or if it's for the best. I keep saying I'll deal with it after he leaves.

I don't know why I'm so anxious today. I woke up feeling extremely overwhelmed. I wish I never requested off of work, I have nothing to do for the next few days. I do have to call and let them know I can't come in to help- I don't know any information about the wake or funeral yet.

RIP Titi Delia ): 

I still can't sleep 

White flowers are so beautiful. I wish I had a Lilly, not a bouquet just like one

I hate sleeping alone. Why can't you be here to play with my hair and kiss my fore head and just hold me?

I'm just so hurt and so aggravated.

After laying in bed for a week I realized a lifetime's worth. 

When I saw that "I still love you, -I love you more", I should've never let that slide. I should've made my forgiveness the biggest obstacle that came with an amazing reward. My feelings got in the way of my logical thinking.  

When I read his other messages I should've realized something. I should've realized that he is a different person when he isn't trying to be the person I want him to be. How disgusting, talking about teenage girls?

When he lied about going to CA I should've never forgiven that, I should've looked the other way and left the car after I got the answers I needed. 

When he went on that double date I should've stayed away. 

When he came to drop off my ring I should've taken the ring and went inside. He shouldn't have followed. He shouldn't have taken that as a way to get back with me. (He regrets that anyways). 

When I was drinking THAT much I should've never talked to him. 

When Saks asked if we were okay to work together I should've told them the truth, it wasn't okay. 

I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was, "I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss," which is pathetic. But the last time we were together and happy, I... want to be able remember that, and I can't. I can't remember.

This road to self destruction has to have an end somewhere...soon. 

Weird...David's cousin just invited me to the hamptons this week.

Nothing feels better than eating over two thousand calories in one snack sitting.

I never needed to test my feelings for you...I would've given you everything. I don't forgive you for seeing her or for needing to test your feelings for me.  

May everyone recieve the closure and clarification they need. It's the only way to start your day brand new.

God, 

Thank you for my petite build. I love being five two and a half and I love weighing one hundred and thirty pounds. 

Amen.

Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.

I'm so sick to my stomach. Such at a loss for words. I wish I ended it all when I had the chance the other day, when I was in that state of mind. I should've called it quits and said goodbye to everyone when I had the chance. I would rather not go on another day than feel how I do and how I have. 

"He said he's not happy with himself...

-yeah, we know that. We knew that for a while.

I just keep hoping I'll be there to make him happy. Why can't he be happy with me, why don't I make his heart happy like he makes mine? Why am I the one crying every five minutes? I'm happy with myself. I'm just so empty and heartbroken."  

Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand. Because for so long I’ve been hurt, and for so long you’ve ignored it. And maybe it is bad timing, but maybe i don’t care. I’ve been here all along, just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too. But you haven’t, and maybe you never will. Or maybe you’re afraid to. But it all hurts the same and in the end, I’m the one who’s left broken and crying myself to sleep. So screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will.

"Because you love me until you don't, I want something real"

I think I remember something about us being friends, something about him needing a friend before Bootcamp, something about opening up...I could be just hoping those things and that could never have happened.

But I still feel like I lost.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in the sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet. probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real-but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

-Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live

It’s the same with people who say, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ Even people who say this must realize that the exact opposite is true. What doesn’t kill you maims you, cripples you, leaves you weak, makes you whiny and full of yourself at the same time. The more pain, the more pompous you get. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you incredibly annoying.

-Robert Sheffield, Love is a Mixtape

And with that, I should apologize to the very few I've vented to about all of this.

Unrequited love

Aka story of my life.

My problem is that I never checked how you felt, it was always about me because I was the one who would speak up, you never spoke up and never told me how you felt, so I never knew what was going down. 

My other problem is, I kept looking for reasons for us to not work out since that's always what happened with us. We would be okay and then something would happen and we would be ruined. I just kept expecting that to happen all over again. 

The other problem is, I began to put walls up and you never took yours down- at least not with me. 

The other problem is, since I didn't receive reassurance and validation, I thought I didn't matter. The problem with this problem is, I'm pretty sure you told me you didn't care. 

I spoke to Michael today, he's moving back June 1st so that was good news- I get my best friend back for a few months. He's finished with the Marines this Friday, I am so happy for him. I told him about the Anthony situation, he isn't Anthony's biggest fan so his advice surprised me. He told me has known me for the past (almost) six years and he knows how I am and how demanding and insecure I am, which doesn't mean I don't love myself (these days everyone thinks I have a problem with myself GUYS I AM AMAZING, I LOVE MYSELF). Michael said that since I was drunk and don't remember everything that the conversation entailed that I shouldn't ask about it, but I should apologize for the conversation for taking place when I was drinking and I shouldn't plan for anything in the conversation. He yelled at me for even drinking and told me I was wrong and should apologize. WELL I did call Anthony and he didn't return my call, which Michael says he thinks he will, but its been hours so he probably won't call me back. I've been in bed eating and watching The Mindy Project all day. I just want to know if this was really it and if it was and is really it then I have to say okay I understand. Michael said any guy would love to have me and I'm an amazing, beautiful girl. I just need answers that I never was able to get since I was so intoxicated...and I guess I just have to deal if I don't have the answers. I just like to have closure and I like to know what's going on. God I wish I had those text messages, they have the answers I need...I know they do and they have all of the potential to heal the pain I'm feeling with closure. Basically, I can't even remember what we were fighting about and that is what sucks, maybe what I'm looking for is details and answers from that night- a summary of the conversation. I can't help but think he turned back to Courtney.

I'm only there so you're not alone And you say that I hurt you in a voice like a prayer Your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies I see through them all the time

"Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand. Because for so long I’ve been hurt, and for so long you’ve ignored it. And maybe it is bad timing, but maybe i don’t care. I’ve been here all along, just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too. But you haven’t, and maybe you never will. Or maybe you’re afraid to. But it all hurts the same and in the end, I’m the one who’s left broken and crying myself to sleep. So screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will."

I think what I'm having trouble understanding is it all. I thought I was going to be able to say something specific, but I honestly can't understand any of it. I'm feeling very Sylvia Plath these days. Part of me wants to ask for those messages again, but honestly I don't think he has them and if he has them he probably won't be sending them (this would be my THIRD attempt). That conversation should've never taken place with THAT MUCH alcohol in my system, ever. The answers I needed I did not receive and if I did I can not remember them. The questions I needed to ask were probably worded in the most insane way- that's if they were even asked at all. I remember a lot of yelling, crying, insults. I obviously don't want him to die or fail in the navy. I obviously didn't it when I said I hated him (god, I wish I did). I didn't mean it when I said I didn't want him talking to Chelsea; if he put that restriction on me with his aunt and mother I would lose it (I love those two). I can sort of remember certain parts of the conversation- like him saying he hasn't cared about me in two years or like he would have spent the rest of his life with Courtney...I will never be able to understand how someone can even think of spending their life with someone they cheated on their ENTIRE relationship (just another thing I will never understand). I have chocolate cupcake everywhere- just since I've been consuming over two thousand calories a day. My over sensitivity I've been experiencing this week has been insane, I guess that is where my overthinking with Anthony has came from. I've definitely been having body issues lately and I've been taking that out on a lot of people. I lash out. It's such a terrible quality.

"I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with her" 

Makes sense since you cheated on her your entire relationship. 

Something so you didn't have nothing...on replay in my head

I think subconsciously Mother's Day bothers me because I could've had a baby. I could've been having a Mother's Day. And since I never really fully dealt with the abortion it bothers me. I think that could be a reason why I've been so overly sensitive. 

I still remember the Mother's Day after the abortion when Anthony said happy Mother's Day, way to kill my spirit.

There was something in those messages I need to read over and remind myself of...I don't get why he can't just send them to me. 

I love Kaitlyn and I know she's trying to keep me busy and keep me away from laying down and crying, but that's what I want. It's what I need. I can't sleep over tonight. All I truly want to do is lay in bed with ice cream and cake watching mindy. Maybe it'll make me feel better. Maybe it won't. 

At this point Kaitlyn won't even let me out of her sight.

I really don't understand how I am even functioning right now. After last night...it doesn't make sense. I'm basically a destroyed person. I don't know how else to say it...my heart was basically ripped out of my chest with no regards to anything.

Me and Anthony are finished and I know that's been said a million times before, but this time it's honestly over. I don't want that. And this wasn't mutual. I've been saying all week how he's been indifferent with me and I didn't understand why, and then him showing the David picture didn't help things, and then there was the no kissing thing the rest of that night and just a weird morning. It could've definitely been me being over sensitive or over thinking, but I didn't think just bringing up a situation or asking a question would've created such a huge fight. I would've never thought it would end everything. Just like that. When I called him to speak on the phone it was to honestly say "hey this conversation that occurred earlier was weird, I was weird, and I don't want things to be weird." That turned into hours of screaming, into Anthony telling me he doesn't care about me, he hasn't cared about me in two years, I was only there because he "rather have something than nothing", he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with Courtney, he regretted seeing me the other day, sleeping with me, hanging out with me...I can literally go on with this list. 

Obviously I was crying (I look like my whole family died, my eyes are swollen, my eyes are just so sad) like a crazed lunatic. I drank a whole entire bottle of wine. I don't think I've ever been this sad.  I remember telling him I hate him, sorry it was "you don't get it I fucking hate you." I don't understand and I won't ever understand why or what I did to deserve this. I deserve closure and he doesn't want to give me it because "everytime this happens" I ask for it. Well obviously. Why can't he just let me go? Like he sits there and tells me he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me, and he loves Courtney BUT if I go see David I'm wrong (I wouldn't go see David because I'm the idiot who cut my friend of four years out of my life for Anrhony he wouldn't have done something like that for me). I wish I knew I really do. I told him I can't work with him and I will change my availability at saks to avoid him at all costs. I really just need him to leave for the navy. I can't keep going on with him here. I really don't even feel like living another day, honestly.  I sat in bed last night contemplating what I should do. Kaitlyn saw me, but that didn't take me off the ledge. On my way to her house I couldn't stop thinking, I can just step off of this platform and a subway will end all of my pain and suffering. 

I pray that no one ever hears the person they love say they were there because they rather have something than nothing.

I really do not know what to take of this situation, really I don't. One minute its okay and the next it isn't. Today was weird, last night was weird. Have not heard from A since 1:30 interesting. ps. thiswas from the day before

I guess I didn't deserve an answer...I feel amazing, really. I feel like someone just put a knife through my heart and twisted it a few times. 

It'll never end. I don't understand why anyone would want to make anyone feel this way. I don't understand how last weekend we were amazing and this weekend it's something completley opposit. I don't get it and I never will. 

OH MY GOODNESS. 

Danielle, breathe. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Don't be so sad. Breathe.

Drowning myself in the mindy project

I'm disappointed. Very disappointed.

I can't help but think that today and last night were the last. You're probably reading that first like and saying "oh here she goes again!" Maybe even scrolling past this, but idk something has gone weird since yesterday. Maybe it was the bringing the picture me of me and David up (by bringing I mean verbally and physically-like let me show your sister this picture) or maybe it's the fact he hasn't kissed me once. I'm sorry I asked for a kiss and got one, so that was a lie. It's just very awkward like there's something going on and usually since I have my gut feelings I know what, but since I have nothing I have no idea. I'm just really sad. That's all. 

 

Terrified

That helped to clarify things...

Dear God, My faith is in you and I know it is placed in the right place. Please, please, please let me and Anthony have the best outcome. I love that kid more than he'll ever know and I just want us to be together and I want us to be happy. I know you can make this happen, I have all the faith in you and in that relationship.

lost are saved; find their way, at the sound of your great name.

" "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." - 2COR 12:9 As you start this week, are you feeling, overwhelmed, weak, insecure, unsure, broken? The good news: In brokenness, Jesus does his BEST work. Be encouraged as you head in to this new week, knowing that your Savior is able to take your broken pieces and make the most exquisite work of art. So stop trying to fix it yourself. Hand over your pieces to the ONE who is strongest in our weakness." -Natalie Grant

My, my, my...

I really don't know why I'm so sad, it's this overwhelming sadness for the past two days. I'm trying to ignore it because I really don't know what it's from, except it's driving me up the walls. 

When is loving somone too much?

Last night was spent full of short answers, which I can't understand why.

Yesterday afternoon was spent sleeping.

Yesterday morning wasn't spent cuddled.

Saturday night was great though.

For the first time in over a year I was invited to hang out with Anthony and his friends...that's hard to not be excited over. It cost fifty dollars to get to his friend's house (womp).  

We had drunk sex, which was good, except I was told a few time to shut up-asshole. 

He told me he missed me it was a nice feeling. 

Today and last night are just confusing. 

I wanted to hang out today since Titi Delia is probably going to be taken off of the respirator tomorrow, he said yeah maybe, but then didn't talk to me all day. I rather him have said no. I would've understood since we've been together for a few days now. 

I always overthink so I'm trying really hard not to, but it's really bugging me. We were just talking all day and now nothing. 

He isn't my boyfriend so there's no commitment there. 

Also we're going to AC in two weeks, yay

I AM TRYING SUPER HARD TO NOT GO CRAZY AND OVER THINK!

it's really hard, beyond words hard. 

I am yours to keep.

I wish I could do better by you, 

'cause that's what you deserve

I'm so relieved I apologized. Not just apologized, but apologized in person. 

Danielle, you made a huge step. An apology is not an essay it's putting your pride aside and verbally declaring it. It's a move up for you. 

Now we just wait to see what happens next. 

I think one of the most hurtful things I've ever heard Anthony say was him telling me he "didn't really like" me. To hear the person I love utter those words just tore at every string inside of me. Tonight I apologized for what happened. (Even though the purpose of what happened wasn't supposed to affect him.) I messed up and I wouldn't want that done to me. I really care about Anthony TOO much to have put a picture up with David to be malicious. The purpose was Vanessa and me being drunk and foolish affected the wrong person. 

I feel better I apologized in person.

I wish.

I don't have any feelings and I don't want to...I just want to be happy and take this as it comes. 

You're my downfall.

All of me, loves all of you.

All your perfect imperfections.

I AM NOT OVER ANALYZING ANYTHING...I sort of promise? It was so nice to hug him again, I really do not know what I will do when he leaves. I feel like he's going to leave and then that is it. No more us, ever. I of course do not want that to be the case, I think everyone knows that if he asked me to follow him I would. Anywhere. Its two and a half months away, both of our lives will change obviously for different reasons. It is a lot sooner than it seems. He's going back to the store to work, I'm torn between that. It has the potential to be good, good for us, good for him and me as individuals, but its the story of us and the story of us comes with bad. I hope everyone can mind their business and keep to themselves. I'm in a different place than I once was. I'm not an open book like I have been for so long, so no one really has an idea on where the two of us stand. I just know everyone will try to bud in. I'm sure I'll start hearing things soon, fun. It's funny actually, we both left and we're both back. I hope he messages me today, I want another hug. I want us to be okay. I want us to stay okay. I want to put this whole "David picture thing behind us." The picture was part of a stupid plan to hurt someone who hurt me (Vanessa not Anthony, I would never put a picture with a guy online to hurt Anthony I AM ABOVE that, also I don't want to ever hurt Anthony.) I hope yesterday wasn't a booty call.

...we can work it out

see it feels bad now, but its going to get better TODAY

As long as I'm not bottled up with emotions I'm in a content place

Dear God,

Thank you for yesterday. I'm keeping my promise, D is out of my life. 

Oh yesterday, I bet you want to hear about that...

We argued, became sort of friends, had sex, he left, can back to bring me to work, and now it's up in the air.

My almost lover, I'm trying not to think of about you

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska I've been doing better lately I think and now he's on his way to my house to drop off a ring...God I pray that it is more than just to give me a ring. Come watch a movie with me, hug me, love me one more time, anything just don't leave my side after the ten seconds it will take to hand me a ring. I can't even remember what ring it is that I lost there.

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in...

I look like I've been crying for days, perfect. I at least want to give the illusion that I've been okay- God knows I think he's been fine. Last night I was asked if I do things, say things, even think things for reassurance or because I actually feel it...I still don't know the answer to that. I mean it has been over a year since I've heard those words I love you, of course I want that reassurance. Of course I want to hear it one more time. I just want to know if what he had or what he have (if there is something still there) is real. I'm starting to think that the part of me that always has this undying(?) amount of hope is a flaw, is flawed, is a lie...what if my hope has been the illusion this entire time? I keep saying it is meant to be, because I love him. SO much. Because I care, SO much. I don't want to lose him- even if its as just a friend...I don't want to lose him. I wont give up on him, I can't. I can't- not because I don't want to, because at what point will I say this is too much and I need to give up, but because I can't. Mentally I can't. Physically I can't. Emotionally...you get it?! I won't give up on us, I'm giving you all my love You've always been worth it.

Not that anything exists between the two of us, but David and that friendship would disappear if this would workout.

I miss you...I'm anxious to see your face, hear your voice, feel your touch- that might be pushing it especially since you're only giving me my ring back. 

I don't know how to feel. My level of hope scares me. 

'If you can’t open yourself up, you can’t appreciate the wonder inside. So you can be with someone very wonderful, but because of your own issues you cannot let that be celebrated in the right way.

-Chris Martin

I reminisce from time to time...

We wished on these stars, they were ours

They remind me of you

I'm still letting you go, I just want you to know

That I think of you

When will I stop missing you?!

...too broken to move on

A drop in the ocean

A change in the weather

I was praying that you and me might end up together

It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert

But I'm holding you closer than most 

because you are my heaven.

We were doomed from the start.

Back to January. 

Back to February.

Back to March. 

Back to now.

Wakey!Wakey!

Two months won't come fast enough. I'm meeting Grubbs. I need to.

I'm so in love, so in love

And should this be the last thing I see
 I want you to know it’s enough for me
'Cause all that you are is all that I’ll ever need...

I was going to write about my feelings this morning, but I can't. I'm really sad and heartbroken. I'm about to just burst into tears.

Maybe another time.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

So much that everything in me hurts.

You really do care.

Even if the stars and moon collide, I'll always want you back in my life. I'll listen to your words and all your lies.

Eating my emotions doesn't even help this pain.

OMG

Seriously...what a damn joke. A can snapchat my sister, but won't speak to me? HONESTLY I feel so heartbroken. 

I can't make it threw the day without crying.

I don't know what to do. For the first time in a really long time, I don't know what to do.

I mean...those weren't my intentions

I definitely have to cut D off again. He understands I don't like him in the way he likes me, but that doesn't stop him from sending me love videos,messages, and pictures. He's more like a good friend who helped me get deal with several situations in my life, (courtney and anthony) He understands the situation I'm in which I'm grateful for, he knows I love someone and would fight to the end for that. I'm glad that doesn't change our friendship.

If you knew you never wanted me back why did you try so hard after the situation? Why didn't you just let me go?

Up since three...again I couldn't sleep.

Thanks for tainting even my unconscious thoughts.

No luck.

I'm screaming out upon my face Followed footsteps catch my pace Broken windows fall in place Now shattered lovers find their place We'd flirt And you'd treat me like dirt All the pain and the hurt Just to make matters worse And I see you all over him Irresistible sin When can we be the same again? What can I do to be making you see? To come out clean? You're better off with me We're stuck Taking time and wasting mine No luck Running around and crashing down In you I trust nevermore Leaving you in sand and glass All I ever felt for you Went up in a cloud of smoke How I could I be such a fool To ever think that we were close? And I see you all over him Irresistible sin When can we be the same again? What can I do to be making you see? To come out clean? You're better off with me We're stuck Taking time and wasting mine No luck Running around and crashing down In you I trust nevermore Leaving you in sand and glass

It's you.

Every word you say I think

I should write down

Don't want to forget

Come daylight

And I give up

I let you win

So I took the picture of me and David down. I really wish I wasn't that drunk I would never have put it up. Anthony could have seen it. I'm assuming I took it down before anything because I know how he is and he would've messaged me telling me off or something along those lines. Before anything, I need to let you know...that picture was not put up to even try and get to Anthony. Those were NOT MY INTENTIONS! Let me just fill y'all in. I went into Manhattan to spend time with my best friend, a two hour trip took me four hours. We went to McFadden's for dollar drinks, which is obviously great...fifty six dollars later between three people (Kaitlyn's friend Evan came out with us). Well I put a picture up on IG of me and Kaitlyn and tagged our location, SO David messaged me that he would come out for drinks, I was drunk and okay with saying hi. WELL when he gets to McF's Vanessa messages him. She screen grabbed my picture on IG and sent him a message badmouthing me and accusing me of wearing her Tiffany's necklace in the picture. I went from so happy to so angry in a matter of seconds. My family took this girl in when she had no home, (her mother hates her and kicked her out. Vanessa's mom had her at 13 so she blames her for taking her life "away"), so for her to accuse me of stealing from her made me obviously so upset, I would never steal from anyone. Well moving along...David messages her back like woah chill or some stupid crap like that. I wanted to get back at her and make her feel stupid so I said "Hey David, we're taking a picture." I got distracted and never took it. Me and Kaitlyn go to grab another round of drinks and someone spills their pink drink ALL over my favorite shirt. So I cut our night short because I'm in Mid-town in a pink V-neck, not okay. We grab a taxi to Kait's and David said he wouldn't feel comfortable letting us go at 2 AM in a taxi, so he took the cab with us. I said "OH MY GOSH THE PICTURE", so we take the picture and I put it on IG since obviously Vanessa was doing major stalking, she sees it. She messages him to tell him how wrong he is for letting me put the picture up, for showing me the message, and she can not be okay with him after that. Clearly I hurt her, WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED. That sounds so bad, but I really was so angry with the situation. We say bye to David and go to Kait's. Me and Kaitlyn are both either really happy drunks or really emotional, there is no in-between for us. So the two of us are in her bed crying. Her over Niko and me over Anthony. We didn't talk for almost a month so there was so much to fill her in on..."I still love you, I love you more" situation. We stood up pretty late just catching up on everything, which was nice. She was called into work so I had to leave early the next day, I probably should've walked around and enjoyed the day, eh too late. So there's the story behind THAT picture. I really REALLY hope Anthony has not seen it. I would be devastated. We only just stopped talking. I wouldn't do that. Plus it's David...ewe

You call me up again just to break me like a promise.

I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

Happy Easter

Such a beautiful day.

Woke up pretty sad, church was amazing, made me really sad, I just woke up. Now to my great Aunt's house.

Hope everyone has a blessed resurrection day, god is good. 

🐰🌸🐣 

Thoughts of you keeping me up- great.

You make me crazy, you make me wild

I really miss you today. I can't help but be sad and miserable. 

Propose to me at a wakey wakey concert, two loves at once.

I never imagined myself being this in love with anyone. It's the craziest feeling.

My shirt smelled like him and I just broke down. His scent alone gives me butterflies, his scent alone gives me goosebumps. I can't imagine loving someone else like this.

Dreaming with a broken heart.

I just woke up thinking you messaged me, you didnt. It's 6 am and I've been up for over an hour, I just want you to miss me. I can't sleep with all of these thoughts of you.

ya'll know the drill. Broken heart 894740 posts.

I know there's a song for this situation. 

So I apologized for being a psycho with A, it led to him telling me he was going to focus on himself and I should do the same. 

I get it. Okay, I really don't. Two/three weeks ago it was "you're the one I love, I would marry you and give you this", why doesn't he get I'm not asking him to give me anything BUT his love and heart? 

So I feel really shitty about myself, I'm going to dinner with DJ tomorrow, he'll make me feel better.

Everything is so meaningless. An eternal rest doesn't sound too bad right now. 

I'm too sad for this. I want to be in bed.

Maybe one day I'll share this. 

Maybe one day I'll be strong enough.

When it rains, it pours

I don't know where I heard that quote from, but it's always been stuck in my head. 

I really wish I didn't have to leave my bed today. I just want to cry and be alone. Everyone keeps telling me everything will get better, that seems so hard to believe.

I don't know why I forgave him. Well I do. 

I'm sorry. I can't continue with this one.

all I want is to stop crying

When you said, it was over you shot right through my heart.

So where did I leave off?

Oh the message. I ended up going to sleep. He messaged me in the morning to say he was sorry and shouldn't have messaged me because I moved on.

Me? Moved on? WHAT?! I try and move on and everytime I try he comes back. How can I ever move on from him, let's think about it. 

For the next few weeks we kept trying to see eachother, but it just didn't work out. I was busy or he was. I can not express how fortunate I am that I didn't. He was leaving to Colorado and I really wanted to say goodbye, but I had a feeling "oh it's not Colorado", which my feeling was right, once again. 

This might get confusing.

Anthony leaves to Colorado. Tells me he'll try to write me, but he'll talk to me later in the week- red flag.

I wasn't seeing David, or speaking to him, I really wasn't, but he asked to see me I wasn't doing anything so I drove over there. When I was on my way home I stopped at quick check, that was the last time I remember seeing my phone. I got home and started to flip out. MY PHONE IS MISSING. 

This part is weird. Again, I swear on my grandpa this was a sign from god, I go to log on to "find my iphone" on my iPad and Anthony's phone pops up. It shows me that he's in California- with Courtney.

I messaged her, this situation that I handled with grace just went up in flames. I told her she was pathetic and Anthony will always come back to me (he cheated on her all last year with me after all).

For a week. I cried. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. My heart was broken, shattered, destroyed. I felt so betrayed. I felt that everything just stopped, I literally wanted to die and I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it a few times. My friend had to carry me into my room, my mom had to drag me out of bed. I just couldn't help myself. Actually telling this story is a bit overwhelming. 

When I actually was able to get out of bed I decided he wasn't good for me, my physical or mental health. But, just as our story goes, I stop thinking about him or I'm ready to move on and he comes back.

He messaged me and we spoke in person. He won me back- again. 

And we were good. We went to a  Wakey!Wakey! concert. And we hung out. We spent quality time. And I had him back. I was so happy. I felt love again happy again. 

I went to disney for my birthday and in one of my crazy feeling moments, I knew he spoke to Courtney. So "I" broke into his phone. I read messages with Courtney and she still loves him and he said it back.

The knife in my heart was put back, it was turned. I just keep getting hurt by him and it's the worst feeling. 

Seeing that he wrote the words I love you, back to her, HURT so bad. 

The last time I got an I love you from him was over a year ago, yet this girl that he just broke up to work on things with me got it. 

He was supposed to make things up to me, I forgave him because I love him. I forgave him because I just want things with us to work. He won me back with his sweet words.

This is up until this past Thursday. Where we hung out and in front of me he accepted an invitation to dinner with another girl and his friend and another girl (double date?). 

I love anthony. I always will. He is my first in so many ways. He is my best friend, no matter what we go through. I've said it before and I'll say it again, every up imaginable and every low imaginable-we've been through it. It's hard to just give that up, just give him up. 

I forgive him, but I can't forget. I forgive him, but I can't let go of SOME of the past. I sound stupid, I know. But it's my life, it's my heart, it's mine. I just want to be the girl he loves, the girl he can turn to, and count on. I want to be the girl when his dreams come true.

As of now we aren't speaking. Just an update. 

You should beware, beware, beware of a woman with a broken heart.

So we stopped speaking in November. 

I was fine. I bottled my emotions and never fully dealt with the reality of the situation, but I was fine. 

Christmas comes around. I couldn't bare with the idea of not saying Merry Christmas. This was the kid I loved for three years. The kid I went through every up and every down with, on one of my favorite days of the year I couldn't stand the idea of not wishing him a Merry Christmas. So after a lot of thought, I messaged him. To my surprise I had no answer. I thought I should expect this, but then after really thinking about the situation I shouldn't have expected it.

For New Years I went out, with the girl he slept with (remember last year?) I was the bigger person and became friends with her, because I thought she would be honest with me and try to bury the hatchet (I was wrong, that'll come later). I was drunk, but I still wished him a Happy New Years...I'm a sucker for holidays. 

I still had no response, so I gave up. I began to move on. I closed him out of my life as best as I could. 

I didn't run back to David, which I've been famous to do. I didn't look back on any past relationships. Another post I'll dedicate to David. This is for our boy A.

I began to hang out with Carl. In the strangest way. We started to become friends back in High School and lost contact. He found my ig and fb so we became friends again. We hung over the summer, but nothing came of it and we both had school. So on New Years I guess I drunk text messaged him. We started talking and then we hung out. We met up at BWW for the patriots game, if you can accept me yelling at people and a tv in public, you have my time. 

So in true Danielle fashion, I got wasted. I was with Anthony's past sex partner (blehk) she thought he was nice. Which he is. He had to drive me home because I couldn't even write my name. 

If you read this far, then this is where the story gets good. We're sitting in front of my house, in his car, I'm drunk, and he's telling me his feelings for me. 

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND I HAVENT SPOKEN TO ANTHONY SINCE NOVEMBER.

It's five AM and my phone goes off, it's Anthony. I'm about to kiss this kid and all of the people to message me, it's him. I drop my phone. Look at Carl and tell him I need to go inside. I do not kiss him, do not look back, just message Anthony back. 

He's telling me how he misses me and he's hurt. And wants to talk and work things out. 

I'm so drunk, so happy, so sad. I felt every emotion in those moments.

Girls only say "hate you" to the guys that they love.

Well...I'll be damned. The last Anthony update was back in September. SCARY. A full update would take weeks, essays, pictures. So I'll try to make it short without leaving out the crucial parts. If you know me, then you know I met Anthony while working for the same company, and if you don't know me, you know that now, well Anthony quit in October. Everyone told me that he was moving to Colorado, including himself. I can swear on my grandfather's grave, I had a gut wrenching feeling telling me it was California. Which after putting pressure on different people, I found out that my feeling was correct. For days maybe weeks I was inconsolable. Well to make that story short, problems arose in that relationship and he didn't move out there. He just flew out to visit. When he landed he came back to me. For the next two weeks we were okay. Or maybe it was a week.

My uncle died. We started to fall apart, not because of my pain, but because he lied to me. He was "with family" turns out he was really with her. We fought, out of his guilt (maybe?). At the time I didn't know he was with her, so I thought it was me and the fuck up I am. 

On accident I sent him a screen grab of our conversation. He got really angry with me for putting him in my phone as "Do NOT Answer" with an emoticon of a pig (well a boar, the pig was too cute for my strong negative emotions towards him) and a gun. Die you pig, for hutting me over and over again. We actually ended all communication for a while because of that. I apologized for the pig gun thing because I felt pretty shitty, but my apology went as far as me throwing a ten ton truck. 

I've began to blog on tumblr, but honestly nothing is like having this "blogger". I've had it for years, a lot of great secrets, great stories are on here. One thing I do wish is I gave some of my posts with the song title and artist.